Mary Birdsong

June9th

I’m sick and tired of getting my dad the same old “old man testosterone”-laden gift for Father’s Day each year. So this year– I’m pulling out all the stops!

The 99 Cent Store is the clear choice for Daddy this year. IT’S THE FATHER’S DAY HEADQUARTERS! So this year, Papa? Sky’s the limit– whatever you want, it’s yours!

* ELEGANT BOXED PENS VALUED AT $9.95 only .99¢!
Great for writing large checks to grown children you now realize didn’t get shit from you when they really needed it!

*CERAMIC COFFEE MUGS!

Perfect for the crappy luke-warm cocoa they’ll be serving you on those frosty cold days in the old folks home while you wait for the yearly visit from your emotionally wounded off-spring!

 

* DRESS SOCKS, NECK TIES, & MANLY FRAGRANCES only .99¢!
Finally! Dad– You’ve EARNED the right to dispense with
the stuffy formality of pants! And shirts? It’s like you
always said when times got tough… “Shirts are for fags.”

Dad got a sweet-tooth?
Then he’ll love these sinfully delicious treats on sale!

* 2 BELL PEPPERS FOR ONLY .99¢!
To commemorate your 2 testicles that created life!

* ROMAINE HEARTS IN A 3 PK!
You fathered many children with 3 different chicks… and now there’s a delicious, healthy salad in store for EACH family!

* ROUND TOMATOES IN A 6 PK!
ROUND tomatoes, Dad! Your favorite kind! Screw settling for those cheap, hexagon-shaped tomatoes from now on. And since you can’t drink anymore until your parole officer TELLS you you can, eating a 6 pack of tomatoes will be almost like drinking a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon with the fellas!

* PERSONAL WATERMELONS FOR ONLY .99¢ each!
That’s right– PERSONAL watermelons. This ain’t your Grannie’s watermelon, Sonny. THIS time…. it’s PERSONAL!

And Moms?

We haven’t forgotten YOU, just because it’s called “Father’s Day!” Bring the flyer below (plus any unwanted newborn infants) to a location near you and…

RECEIVE A DO-IT-YOURSELF, AT-HOME PATERNITY TEST for the low, low price of (you guessed it, ladies) 99 CENTS!

Remember… Save More, Shop Us First!

AND HAPPY ALMOST-FATHER’S DAY!

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