Mary Birdsong

February12th

The Pope didn’t resign for health reasons, or even old age.

His Holiness resigned because it’s pilot season–

 

PONTIUS PILOT SEASON 

 

Sources behind the Papal walls say “his Holiness”has finally admitted what he’s been feeling since day one:

“I just hate putting myself on tape for tv auditions from my office in Vatican City.

Pope Benedict XII shakes hands with Showtime TV exec on his new drama pilot: VATICAN!
Pope Benedict XVI in Hollywood, shaking hands w/Showtime TV exec on new drama pilot: VATICAN!

No matter how good you are, a videotaped audition just doesn’t do a man

justice. I prefer to work the in-room chemistry that meeting in person

with TV producers in Hollywood affords me.”  Yup, Benny is Holy-wood

or bust!

That’s what he wants to be called now, by the way- Benny.  Apparently

there’s already an actor in the union using “Pope Benedict XVI” as her

stage name.  She’s FIERCE!  Sometimes she just goes by the name “XVI.”

While he did confirm his more public statements that old age is making it difficult to manage God’s dominion, he feels confident that he can rally when it comes to the plethora of single-cam scripts out there in need of his talent.  He’s  even hired a private Pontius Pilates instructor to get in shape:

“The camera, she adds about ten-uh pounds-uh, ehhhh…. and-uh wearing-uh white-uh makes my hips-uh look-uh even uh-beeger!”

(His accent is so cute.  I swear, he’s gonna be the next Balki.)

Benny has created such a feeding frenzy with casting directors in Hollywood now that he’s suddenly available for some plum pilot roles, some actors aren’t so psyched.  It’s just that much more competition they have to deal with.  Take for instance this group of disgruntled thespians– the “stars” of a web-series called “Bitter Party of Five.”

Threatened by further competition of Pope Benny this pilot season.

Threatened by further competition of Pope Benny this pilot season.

“We were already really really bitter.  Now?  We’re even bitter-er-er.  But we’re trying to stay pro-active and optimistic about our chances this pilot season– one thing we’ve already done is convert to Catholicism.  It’s totally trending right now.”

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