NEWT GINGRICH.
(Cue Boris Karloff: “You’re a keen one, Mr. Gingrich…”)
I just like the guy. I want to leave him cookies and milk, and maybe a shot of brandy for good measure. Whatever your politics, and whatever your opinion of him, you have to admit that Newt IS very Santa-like. He always looks slightly cranky, but manages to make his eyes twinkle at the same time. And it seems like (as far as Obama’s term has gone thus far) America doesn’t really WANT a president anymore anyway. America wants a Santa Claus– someone who can bring all of us good little Americans lots and lots of toys… and not make us pay for any of them. Someone who can make America back into the Santa’s workshop it once was– MAKING things. GOOD things. And then sending them out allllll over the world for them to marvel at our craftsmanship.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen Newt and Santa in the same room together, have you?
Didn’t think so.
And Newt waaaaas just talking about all those poor kids who don’t know how to get their toys through hard work. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe he didn’t mean that poor people are lazy. Maybe he was just hinting that he’s going to bring them lots of nice toys if they “show up on Monday.” Is that SUCH a bad thing?
In all seriousness, even though I am a dyed in the wool democrat, and a devoted Obama supporter, I just can’t help it. Newt is so… Well, he’s just so CUTE. (Attention campaign staffers, I think I just wrote your 2012 slogan:
“NEWT’S CUTE! GIVE HIM YOUR VEWT!” (OK so it’s a slogan for Canadians. Yes, I know they can’t vote for our next president. Get off my back.)
Come on, he just plain LOOKS presidential- the way a president should. I can picture the First Lady standing dutifully behind his desk in the Oval Office wearing oven mitts and saying “Eat, Papa, Eat! Don’t disappoint the little boys and girls by giving them a skinny president.” And that snow white hair? Irresistible!
NOTE TO OBAMA: PACK ON A FEW EXTRA POUNDS, MY MAN!
Another thing, I really truly respected what Newt said in that debate on immigration not long ago– about how the GOP is supposed to be all about family values, yet nearly all the candidates were ready to split up family and separate little children from their mothers all in the name of protecting our borders? There was an audible silence from his fellow debaters when those words came out of his chubby cheeks. I swear a couple of them even bowed their heads in shame. The man made SENSE. He stopped short of saying “You should all be ashamed of yourselves!” But that was the implication. It was a paradigm shift- stating the truth. Having the balls to criticize his own party, and call “hypocrite!” when he sees one. He really does seem to have a backbone- an opinion. He is not afraid to ruffle some feathers by daring to say what he thinks.
Mitt Romney? I feel like he could lay his bone marrow on the podium to save our economy and I wouldn’t believe him. He just strikes me as a late 1970′s era male model in a Sears & Roebuck catalogue– standing there smiling with an equally handsome yet asexual buddy in his underwear– full-length thermal underwear that looks like it’s been ironed, or hailing a taxi in his comfortable Hagar slacks. If he would just take the Brylcreme® and awful coloring out of his “man hair” I could mayyyyybe listen to what he has to say for more than 30 seconds.
Until then, I vote for Santa. Go get ‘em Newt.
big mama’s honeymoon underpants.
