Recently, a “lone wolf” terrorist decided to hack a UK soldier to death with a meat cleaver in the middle of a London street. That in itself was bad enough,
BUT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT???!!! How very DARE he! And that’s not even the worst of it…. THERE WERE LADIES PRESENT!!!
They say the devil is in the details. Well, this fundamentalist, meat-cleaver-carrying devil was definitely in them. It made the killing not just vicious and barbaric. It made it downright RUDE!
Detail #1: DAYLIGHT
Never mind the fact that yet another bloody fundamentalist killing had taken place. That’s neither here nor there. But the fact that he didn’t have the common decency to wait until dark to hack the poor chap to death was over the top.
Detail #2: LADIES PRESENT
The assailant, immediately after he’d committed the murder, had the good fortune to be videotaped by an onlooker. He welcomed the opportunity, and took the moment to apologize for the fact that “our women” had to witness his actions. He stood there quite casually, his hands still covered in blood as if he were wearing a pair of little red leather ladies’ gloves from Nieman’s. And he wasn’t angrily waving his weapon of choice high in the air and screaming. He was talking at a reasonable volume, and holding his trusty meat-cleaver absent-mindedlyas it dripped with the blood of an innocent man. For all we knew he could’ve been holding a soda can or a cell phone. That was the tone of his post-jihad demeanor.
Detail #3: MEAT CLEAVER. (not a gun. not a machine gun.) A MEAT CLEAVER.
How novel! No AK-47s for this DIY Nigerian terror-enthusiast. He was going to “keep it real.” You could even call it retro, I suppose. Seemed more like something out of Jekyll and Hyde or Sherlock Holmes than the CNNs or BBCs of 2013. What a sad state of affairs it is that I found myself discussing the murder with a friend, and we both agreed that if one must kill innocent people, the meat cleaver is far more preferable to the semi-automatic weaponry we’ve all become so blasé about. At least with a meat-cleaver or a hatchet, the death toll mounts much slower. You have to kill…. one…. body… at a time.
It struck me as comical when the story first broke that the news media kept harping on the fact that he carried out his jihad in BROAD DAYLIGHT. But, actually? I can’t say that I disagree with them. Being hacked to death is gruesome enough. But there is something particularly gruesome about being hacked to death under the sun’s bright glare.
Why is that?
Would the bloody deed have been any less brutal if performed under dark of night? Would the soldier have bled any less? Hurt any less? Would the police have come quicker? We’ll never know.
But it seemed to me that if Queen Elizabeth were to give the terrorist a talking-to, she’d say something like:
“Now look here, my good man. While we do NOT approve of you running hither and yon hacking innocent bystanders to death willy nilly, we do accept that these things are going to happen now and again. All we ask is that if you must hack innocent people to death on our streets, please do so quietly and at night. What you do in your spare time is your business, but I certainly don’t want to have to LOOK at it on the way to my ladies’ luncheon. Thank you ever so much. Good day!”
Since the scenario above is very unlikely to happen (the queen is so busy these days), I thought it only proper to outline a quick reference guide for any potential terrorists who weren’t raised (or indoctrinated) with any sense of propriety. After all, even the most vicious jihadists must follow proper etiquette whilst hacking people to death in London. Read below, and see if you can you guess which rule of propriety this Muslim terrorist broke? Had he carried his trusty literary companion (“Miss Manners’ Guide to Hacking the Infidel to Death” perhaps he wouldn’t have embarrassed himself in such a public manner.
Miss Manners’ Guide to Hacking the Infidel to Death: It’s Not Ji-had, It’s Ji-Easy!
1) always do your hacking with a razor sharp, sanitized meat cleaver
2) never hack a victim to death before sunset, and CERTAINLY not before tea time
3) never hack someone to death when ladies are present
4) if #3 isn’t feasible, apologize immediately after the deed is done to whomever the ladies belong to, and preferably into a cell phone video camera, before the blood on your hands has dried
5) always wait politely for the authorities to arrive, so criminal processing can begin
6) it’s always a nice touch to recite a rousing “Allah akba’ar!” at the climactic monent of death. it’s only proper.