IS IT POSSIBLE TO REPURPOSE A PERSON? (Why, yes. Yes, it is.) My sister reminded me of some great feng shui tips she (no, no- you just said it wrong. You said it like “fehng shoo-y.” It’s pronounced “fung shway.”) Anyway- she reminded me of some great feng shui tips she learned from an audio-book I gave her of The Secret® years ago. We both agreed that The Secret® is total bullshit®. Then we discussed with great fervor how I should do exactly what The Secret® says I should do. It told the story of a woman who wanted to attract a man into her life, but was having no luck at all. Then she realized that she had some very “I’m single and I always will be” habits that she needed to get rid of, like…
Sleeping in the middle of her queen-sized bed, instead of leaving room on one side for her man to sleep next to her
Keeping her closet so packed with clothes there was no room for her man’s clothes
Parking in the middle of the garage, thus taking up two spaces, leaving no room for…. you guessed it- her man’s car
You get the idea. At the time, my sister and I happened to be talking about doing this to help a creative project of mine get to the next level, but then later while I was cleaning, I decided to go ahead and apply it to my bedroom. The “after” photo is above. I should’ve taken a “before” shot as well because it was pretty bad. The bed was shoved into the corner, there were wayyyyyy too many pillows on the bed, the list goes on and on. But the worst part? When I was smoothing the bedcovers I noticed that they were covered in dust.
THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BED HADN’T BEEN SLEPT IN
FOR SO LONG… THAT I ACTUALLY HAD TO DUST IT.
I HAD TO
But my favorite part about the new bedroom’s makeover is the dolls. (Let me finish!!!) My mom sews these dolls for people that are supposed to look like them, and then she gives the dolls to them as gifts.
I know. It’s just…
Anyway, I still have this doll she made of an ex-boyfriend of mine. I tried to get rid of it, trust me. I even donated it to a thrift shop , but then I felt guilty because my mom had MADE him, so I went back to the store and bought him. But here’s the thing- I figured if I could just repurpose him, maybe it wouldn’t be bad feng shui to keep this doll of an ex in my bedroom on the guy’s side of the bed. Ya know? So- I took off his glasses, and I replaced the little electric guitar used to be holding with something else. I replaced it with a condom. Voila! He’s a condom dispenser!
Not only is it safe sex, and helpful for whoever I wind up sleeping with to have a condom ready to go, but the fact that it’s being “handed” to my new lover by my OLD lover is like a fun practical joke on the ex. Right? Maybe? Not sure. He was the one who dumped ME. I can’t do the karma calculus.
If I knew how, I’d rig the doll electronically so it could do cool stuff. Like– as soon as I turn off the light, it could automatically light the Jesus candle, eject the condom from some sort of spring-loaded mechanism in it’s hand, and play a song:
“He’s got the wholllllle wer-erld in his hand, he’s got the whollllle wer-erld in his hand, he’s got the whollllle wer-erld…”
Oh, also? The doll was Jewish, because the ex-boyfriend is Jewish. So I hope he enjoys hugging that big ol’ Jesus candle. Ha ha.