Mary Birdsong

August2nd

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IS IT POSSIBLE TO REPURPOSE A PERSON?  (Why, yes.  Yes, it is.) My sister reminded me of some great feng shui tips she (no, no- you just said it wrong. You said it like “fehng shoo-y.” It’s pronounced “fung shway.”)  Anyway- she reminded me of some great feng shui tips she learned from an audio-book I gave her of The Secret® years ago.  We both agreed that The Secret® is total bullshit®. Then we discussed with great fervor how I should do exactly what The Secret® says I should do.  It told the story of a woman who wanted to attract a man into her life, but was having no luck at all.  Then she realized that she had some very “I’m single and I always will be” habits that she needed to get rid of, like…

  • Sleeping in the middle of her queen-sized bed, instead of leaving room on one side for her man to sleep next to her

  • Keeping her closet so packed with clothes there was no room for her man’s clothes

  • Parking in the middle of the garage, thus taking up two spaces, leaving no room for…. you guessed it- her man’s car

You get the idea.  At the time, my sister and I happened to be talking about doing this to help a creative project of mine get to the next level, but then later while I was cleaning, I decided to go ahead and apply it to my bedroom. The “after” photo is above.  I should’ve taken a “before” shot as well because it was pretty bad. The bed was shoved into the corner, there were wayyyyyy too many pillows on the bed, the list goes on and on.  But the worst part?  When I was smoothing the bedcovers I noticed that they were covered in dust.

THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BED HADN’T BEEN SLEPT IN

FOR SO LONG… THAT I ACTUALLY HAD TO DUST IT.

I HAD TO

DUST.

IT.

So sad.

But my favorite part about the new bedroom’s makeover is the dolls.   (Let me finish!!!) My mom sews these dolls for people that are supposed to look like them, and then she gives the dolls to them as gifts.

I know.  It’s just…

Anyway, I still have this doll she made of an ex-boyfriend of mine.   I tried to get rid of it, trust me.  I even donated it to a thrift shop , but then I felt guilty because my mom had MADE him, so I went back to the store and bought him.  But here’s the thing- I figured if I could just repurpose him, maybe it wouldn’t be bad feng shui to keep this doll of an ex in my bedroom on the guy’s side of the bed.  Ya know?  So- I took off his glasses, and I replaced the little electric guitar used to be holding with something else.  I replaced it with a condom.  Voila!  He’s a condom dispenser!

May I offer you a breath mint?  Jesus candle?  How about a condom?

Hello, big boy.  May I offer you a breath mint? Jesus candle? How about a condom?

Not only is it safe sex, and helpful for whoever I wind up sleeping with to have a condom ready to go, but the fact that it’s being “handed” to my new lover by my OLD lover is like a fun practical joke on the ex.  Right?  Maybe? Not sure.  He was the one who dumped ME.  I can’t do the karma calculus.

If I knew how, I’d rig the doll electronically so it could do cool stuff.  Like– as soon as I turn off the light, it could automatically light the Jesus candle, eject the condom from some sort of spring-loaded mechanism in it’s hand, and play a song:

“He’s got the wholllllle wer-erld in his hand, he’s got the whollllle wer-erld in his hand, he’s got the whollllle wer-erld…”

Oh, also? The doll was Jewish, because the ex-boyfriend is Jewish.  So I hope he enjoys hugging that big ol’ Jesus candle.  Ha ha.

Jew.

 

 

 

3 Comments

  • Comment by Jorinde — October 16, 2015 @ 1:14 pm

    a0a0 This review is from: After being sywaed by the clever marketing techniques of The Secret. I felt there was more to the Laws of Attraction but wanted a book without the distraction of layers of pyscho babble and glamor. This book is it using terms such as lets get down to the meat makes reading and more important, understanding simple. Its not a glossy over-optimistic book, and as a primer is edcuational. Also there are explanations and examples of how Laws of Attraction don’t work

  • Comment by http://www.mariachirestaurant.net/ — July 5, 2016 @ 12:19 pm

    Lemme get this straight: She got soooo much food after her baby was born that she ate it for DAYS ON END and even froze some of it, but when it’s her turn to bring food to other moms, she cooks one pot of soup and divides it between the two families and hers. What a selfish bitch.

  • Comment by http://insurrequirements.imahillbilly.com/caballero_insurance.xml — July 20, 2016 @ 7:01 am

    There’s a secret about your post. ICTYBTIHTKY

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