Birdsong Sandwich!

Big Mama’s Honeymoon Underpants: Mary Birdsong on The Adam Carolla Show!

to “make the best of a bad situation”… How?   Well, by making the decision

to have the babies of their rapists.  Thanks for the tip, Rick!  

That’s gonna be one “neat-o” baby shower!!!

In this CNN parody clip, Tea Party member and Santorum enthusiast “Harriet Tubman” (aka Mary Birdsong) comes to the defense of her favorite GOP candidate, and gives tips on how women can be more “positive” about their rapes. — with Mary Birdsong.

Hey kids!  Please check out my blog for more fun posts.  I’m trying to swing people over to THAT bloggy neck of the woods now.  It’s called “BIG MAMA’S HONEYMOON UNDERPANTS”.  JUST CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE BLOG, & WHILE YOU’RE THERE, PLEASE BECOME AN “UNDERPANTS SUBSCRIBER!”  THANK YOU.

Sometime HoneyBear, he feel like it dont make no never-mind HOW sweet he be- evvvvvverybody else still havin all de fun!  He don’t git tuh go tuh no make-out parties. Don’t nobody evuh send old HoneyBear no invitational card tuh no make-out party.  No suh, none ‘t all.

HoneyBear, he ain’t greedy neither.  He say he settle fuh just a big ole bear hug.  Das all he need. Das all he want.  Jis a hug.  Even dat would fill him up right nice.

But HoneyBear, he too a-sceered tuh ax nobody fuh no big ole bear hug.  HoneyBear, he say he jis toooooo shy. He sho don’t wanna ask no salt & peppuh people fo a hug.  So he keep on jis standin’ there a-watching the salt & peppuh people a-huggin’ and a-kissin’ each other.  He even watch dem huggin’ and a-kissin’ dat chubby little Russian lady wit duh big eyes.  And duh salt & peppuh people? Aftuh a while dey starts tuh lookin’ at HoneyBear like he crazy.  

Den one day Mr. Peppuh & Miss Salty is havin deyselves a nice lawwwng make-out party, but dey kin feeeeel a big ole pair a’ HoneyBear eyes a-spyin’ on him.   Is downright creepy!

And Mr. Peppuh, he say:

“Hold on, Miss Sarah.  I say…. I say, hold on!  Damn, woman you sho does taste good.  Real good.  But I gots tuh stop makin’ out wit you fo one dad-blamed second.  Dis ain’t no salt ‘n’ peppuh peep show!  Damn.  Ain’t a man got a right to kiss his own damn woman witout some big ole HoneyBear peekin’ at him?”

And ohhhhhh, he git so mad that his face starts a-gittin all blowed up & hot as a fire-crackuh!  Yessuh! Hot.  As.  A fire-crackuh!  Hah HAH!!! Why Mr. Peppuh he so mad he look like a Red Hot Chili Pepper!  Sho nuff.  Finally he so fed up wit HoneyBear spyin’ on him dat he toin around tuh face ole HoneyBear and he say (right loud, too, so’s folks alllll over de kitchen table can hear):

“Fool! Whatchoo lookin at?! Dontchoo got shit to do, HoneyBear?”

Den Miss Salty, she chime in too.  And she say:

“Yeah, fool!  Go find yosef a donut or sumpin tuh squeeze yosef into. Ha ha ha!”

And the salt and peppuh people day laaaaaaaugh!  Dey laugh so dang hard and so dang long dat dey starts tuh shaken’ and a-shakin’ til dey done shook salt and peppuh awwwwwwlllll ovuh duh kitchen table. HoneyBear, he hear dem folks laugh and he git so saaaaaaad. So he cry. He cry and cry. But even his tears be all messed up. And he say:

“Lawwwwd-in-Israel, Jesus-hep-duh-wicked!  Even mah dad-blame tears ain’t right.  No suh, dey jis aint right. Dey too sweet.”

He cry so much dat his teardrops raaaaain awwwwl ovuh de salt & pepper peoples.  And his tears taste sooooo sweet dat de salt & peppuh people feel reeeeeeal bad.  So Mr. Pepper he toin tuh Miss Salty & he say:

“Miss Sarah?  (dat huh name- Sarah), Miss Sarah, what’s wrong wit dese ole HoneyBear tears?”

And Miss Sarah, she say:

“I’ll tell you what dese ole HoneyBear tears is missin’… Me!”  

So Miss Salty Sarah she rollllllll aroun in awwwwwlllll dem HoneyBear tears til dey taste good n sawwwwlty.  Sweet, but sweet ‘n’ sawwwwlty.

Den de salt & peppuh people, dey give ole HoneyBear de biggest dad-blame bear hug you ever DID see.  And dey all walk off jis as salty-sweet as you please.

Das duh troof.  Sho nuff.

If any of you are lucky enough to own a DVD copy, go to “scene selections” and click on scene #7— where the Virgin Mary & Joseph attempt to buy Nestor from a Middle-Eastern merchant. Then zoom in on that merchant’s nose…

Wow. As soon as that nose appeared on screen, there was a pregnant pause, and then my little sister Veronica and I looked at each other and burst into gut-busting laughter. Soon the entire family, including kids of every age, were rewinding, zooming, freeze-framing, and watching the scene frame by frame until we got a good enough frame to take a photo of.

Whoever is responsible for designing that particular puppet, we applaud you. You gave this family one of the most memorable Christmas experiences ever. Totally age-inappropriate, but we couldn’t help it. We all marveled at it, and gave thanks. We realized that the advances of HD tv and huge flat-screens that had come along since our youth, were suddenly making visible to our grown-up eyes what we couldn’t see in our youth— a huge penis and testicles playing a crucial role in the Nativity. Other fun details we were now able to notice were the wires that controlled the puppets (fully visible) and the fact that the little hands of all the puppets were, for some reason, FILTHY! Merry Christmas, Nestor. And thank you.

Whatevs.  The point is, get some top-tier queer here:   OMGay | Videos | Judy Garland’s Xmas Special (Mary Birdsong in Jackie’s Kosher Xmas).

 And Merry Messiah-mas!

Love, Judy*

(not really)

Love, Mary

p.s. Mary?!? That’s a girl’s name!!!

WANT THAT ROMNEY LOOK?  BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET IT?

Well, read on, kids, and learn how YOU can get… “THE ROMNEY”!!! 

Thaaaaaat’s right!  ”THE MITT” is IT! Here’s how!

Mitt Romney?  I feel like he could lay his bone marrow on the podium to save our economy and I still wouldn’t buy it.  He just strikes me as one of those 1970′s male models in the Sears & Roebuck catalogue– standing there smiling with an equally handsome yet strikingly asexual buddy in his underwear– full-length thermal underwear that looks like it’s been ironed, or hailing a taxi in his comfortable Hagar slacks.  If he would just take the Brylcreme® and awful coloring out of his “man hair” I could mayyyyybe listen to what he has to say for more than 30 seconds.

(Cue Boris Karloff: “You’re a keen one, Mr. Gingrich…”)

I just like the guy.  I want to leave him cookies and milk, and maybe a shot of brandy for good measure.  Whatever your politics, and whatever your opinion of him, you have to admit that Newt IS very Santa-like.  He always looks slightly cranky, but manages to make his eyes twinkle at the same time.  And it seems like (as far as Obama’s term has gone thus far) America doesn’t really WANT  a president anymore anyway. America wants a Santa Claus– someone who can bring all of us good little Americans lots and lots of toys… and not make us pay for any of them.  Someone who can make America back into the Santa’s workshop it once was– MAKING things.  GOOD things.  And then sending them out allllll over the world for them to marvel at our craftsmanship.

Come to think of it, I’ve never seen Newt and Santa in the same room together, have you?

Didn’t think so.

And Newt waaaaas just talking about all those poor kids who don’t know how to get their toys through hard work.   Coincidence?  I think not.  Maybe he didn’t mean that poor people are lazy.  Maybe he was just hinting that he’s going to bring them lots of nice toys if they “show up on Monday.”  Is that SUCH a bad thing?

In all seriousness, even though I am a dyed in the wool democrat, and a devoted Obama supporter, I just can’t help it.  Newt is so… Well, he’s just so CUTE.  (Attention campaign staffers, I think I just wrote your 2012 slogan:

“NEWT’S CUTE!  GIVE HIM YOUR VEWT!” (OK so it’s a slogan for Canadians.  Yes, I know they can’t vote for our next president.  Get off my back.)

Come on, he just plain LOOKS presidential- the way a president should.  I can picture the First Lady standing dutifully behind his desk in the Oval Office wearing oven mitts and saying “Eat, Papa, Eat! Don’t disappoint the little boys and girls by giving them a skinny president.”  And that snow white hair?  Irresistible!

NOTE TO OBAMA: PACK ON A FEW EXTRA POUNDS, MY MAN!

Another thing, I really truly respected what Newt said in that debate on immigration not long ago– about how the GOP is supposed to be all about family values, yet nearly all the candidates were ready to split up family and separate little children from their mothers all in the name of protecting our borders?  There was an audible silence from his fellow debaters when those words came out of his chubby cheeks.  I swear a couple of them even bowed their heads in shame.  The man made SENSE.  He stopped short of saying “You should all be ashamed of yourselves!”   But that was the implication.  It was a paradigm shift- stating the truth.  Having the balls to criticize his own party, and call “hypocrite!” when he sees one.   He really does seem to have a backbone- an opinion.  He is not afraid to ruffle some feathers by daring to say what he thinks.

Mitt Romney?  I feel like he could lay his bone marrow on the podium to save our economy and I wouldn’t believe him.  He just strikes me as a late 1970′s era male model in a Sears & Roebuck catalogue– standing there smiling with an equally handsome yet asexual buddy in his underwear– full-length thermal underwear that looks like it’s been ironed, or hailing a taxi in his comfortable Hagar slacks.  If he would just take the Brylcreme® and awful coloring out of his “man hair” I could mayyyyybe listen to what he has to say for more than 30 seconds.

Until then, I vote for Santa.   Go get ‘em Newt.

big mama’s honeymoon underpants.

HELP THE SPIRIT SEEKER BREAK THE 7K CEILING!

By clicking above, you are clicking YES! to indie film, and the indie spirit of the individual everywhere!

By clicking above, you are clicking YES! to good karma (or if you are Christian, to good clean points that will help you at the pearly gates).

By clicking above, you are clicking YES! to laughter and merriment for potentially millions of people all over the world!

and most importantly….

By clicking above, you are VIRTUALLY guaranteeing that i will come to your show that you are required to have five full-paying guests attend!

All these skinny starlets are soaring through the air— like hungry kites.  

Aren’t they pretty?  Wheeeee!!!!!

big mama’s honeymoon underpants.

The whole thing is so classic…. You see, the internet movie database, or IMDB (considered the bible of movie reference resources) posted several photos of me from The Descendants premiere and labeled me as… wait for it… 

Lucy Lawless, aka XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS!

WHO NEEDS SPANX WHEN YOU'VE GOT BRONZE BUTT-SHIELDS?

Okay, so let me get this straight… I finally get a great part in a great film and a

fictional “Ampipholian” named Xena, wielding a mighty “Chakram”  gets all the

credit!?!

 All righty then. Fair enough.