Read the full story here: Life on the Funny Farm: Dear Mr. Clooney
My sister Anne is obsessed with George. Always has been. Keep in mind, she’s been married to her highschool sweetheart for twenty-five years, yet George has (unknowingly) been her boyfriend for… oh, about twenty-five years.
Her husband seems cool with it, probably because Anne & her Hollywood boyfriend have never spoken.
She keeps telling me to call George up and ask him to be in my web-series Bitter Party of Five,* as if I have the guy on speed dial. And when I tryyyyyyy to explain to her that I DON’T HAVE HIS NUMBER she doesn’t seem entirely convinced that I am telling the truth. And now she’s taken her cause to a public forum- her blog: Life On The Funny Farm. It feels so meta to blog about her blog. But I feel I must. She’s normally so rational. Yet when I told her I was going to be in a movie with George a couple of years ago, she just went absolutely cuckoo for Clooney Puffs®!
Family members often have interesting and sometimes bizarre reactions to the people I get to work with. (Excuse my dangling participle. I was going to have some work done on it. On my participle, I mean. So it wouldn’t… YOU know… dangle, but it was CRAZY expensive. And the kids today don’t seem to have the same hangups over their participles as we did when I was young…er.)
Anyway- Anne seems to have realized she really does want to remain faithful to her hubby, so she has decided that instead of getting George into HER bed, she will get him into MINE.
This is a loving sister.
Deluded. But loving.
Still… the Bible and Shakespeare are filled with stories of sisters and their husbands being duped into “awkward mistaken identity sex.” And, to that aim, if my sister did actually manage to get George and me hitched, I wouldn’t put it past my loving big sister if she suddenly started wearing a veil and getting me to wear one too. I’m on to her!
Then again, if she pulled it off and managed to have “awkward mistaken identity sex” with her Hollywood brother-in-law, I can’t say that I’d blame her.
He’s George Clooney for criminy’s sake.
And now I give you… Anne’s pitch to Clooney. Read on…
Dear Mr. Clooney,
It has come to my attention that you and Miss Stacy Keibler have parted ways. Such sad news. But time heals all wounds, as they say. Take a little down time in your villa and be sure to engage in some fun activities to get your mind off your heartbreak. Then, when you’re ready (and only when you’re truly ready), jump back into the dating game.
Although I am protective of my little sister Mary Birdsong, I do approve of you as a would-be suitor, so feel free to call on her.Since you worked with her on The Descendants, I’m sure you already have her contact information, but if you’ve lost it, please feel free to email me and I’ll get that to you (firstname.lastname@example.org). Might I remind you that you have several things in common? You’ve both lived in Kentucky, you’re both actors who have a great sense of humor. You can both do impressions. You’re both Democrats, you’re Irish/German/English, Catholic, you were born in the same decade, the list goes on. I mean honestly, you were made for each other. Plus she’s cute as a button, see?
and you’re just handsome as all get out and I have a huge crush on you myself but my husband won’t give me a celebrity pass…
(to read the full post, click here)
*Would YOU like George Clooney to be a guest on Bitter Party of Five (of course you would)? Then tweet it up, y’all! You can find @BitterPartyof5 on twitter or just look for me on twitter: @BitterBirdsong and @marybirdsong