Cosmologists say the universe is expanding, but I think I’ve found evidence to the contrary.
Exhibit A? This photo of Clint Eastwood:
It seems to indicate that his face (and everything else along with it) is actually contracting rather than expanding, and will ultimately be reduced to a dot so infinitesimally small that it can be reduced no further. Then the power & intensity of his “Clint Squint” will suck all the planets and all the stars and all the gasses and all the galaxies and all the Twinkies™ into it. There. Done. End of the world mystery solved. When Clint goes, we all go. You’re welcome.
P.S. Silver lining? Our asses are gonna look amazing!
And here’s an old post from back during the Republican National Convention when Clint busted out his “talking to chairs” routine.
So Clint is suing this furniture company for blatantly using his name and persona to try to sell stuff without compensating him. That’s bad-ass and great. I so want to see this confrontation scene where he drops in on his local EvoFurniture showroom for a surprise visit with the staff. He walks in slowly and says, all squinty-eyed and real quiet-like…
Showroom Clerk: Can I help you, sir?
Clint: (LONG PAUSE) Hope so. I hear your makin’ those fancy footstools… whatta ya call ’em? Ottomans? Yeah… ottomans. I hear you’re makin’ ottomans with my face on ’em, is that right, punk?
Showroom Clerk: Uh, I…
Clint: (pulling out his rifle) I SAID, “Is that right… PUNK?”
Showroom Clerk: Yes sir. Yes sir, Mr. Eastwood, sir. But, please, sir, be reasonable…
Clint: I tried being reasonable. I didn’t like it. Let me… speak to your supervisor.
(Then he shoots a huge hole straight through their “Clint 47” Entertainment Center.)
That’s sort of how I imagine that sh** would go down. And I envy his self-esteem.
But wouldn’t it be awesome if it was all an act? If Clint was actually REALLY neurotic? Over-analyzing every move? Every decision? Asking himself in the mirror if his jeans make his butt look fat? Practicing line readings over and over again with his dog? Making unnecessary phone calls to friends– apologizing for that comment he made last week JUST IN CASE they misinterpreted it?
Oh, Clint… I DO think it’s bad-ass for you to sue this furniture store, but maybe it points to some deep-seeded insecurity, or some paranoid belief that people are always trying to take advantage of you. Or…
Nah. You’re probably just pissed that some asshole’s puttin’ his feet up on that “Clint” coffee table he just bought, and he didn’t have the decency to take his boots off first. And I don’t blame you one bit.