Mary Birdsong
  • Web Series
  • July26th

  • April2nd

    Well, whaddayaknow… #BibleAMovie is trending.  Does this mean, then, that Jesus is now more popular than Kim Kardashian? Ponder this, and other deep theological mysteries as you watch this 99 Cent Whore Easter Special, in which she explains the REAL meaning of Easter. (For example- did you know that Jesus INVENTED jellybeans?) Now, praise Jesus and pass the peanut butter eggs!                                And in last year’s Easter Special, the 99 Cent Whore even wrote a special Easter song! Watch:

    Easter Specials- Jesus offers John Lennon some bread.

    Annnhhh haaa- Eat it, John!

    I’m sure before long #BibleATVShow will be trending too. There’s certainly a slew of new Jesus-filled Easter TV specials out now (mostly mini-series). It’s become a pre-resurrection ratings-race.  You’ve got yourFinding Jesus on CNN; and once they find him, it’s time for Killing Jesus on Nat Geo; and once they’ve killed him, it’s time for resurrecting him – A.D. The Bible Continues on NBC (which, let’s be honest, may as well be called Rating Jesus.”)  And though it isn’t technically a mini-series (so it’s… what, a maxi-series I guess?) I feel it my duty to mention Black Jesus (cue the wah-wah pedal, my brothuh from another (virgin) muthuh!).

    Easter TV Specials- oh, if only Adult Swim would make a mini-series for THIS Jesus!

    Closest to the real deal.

    For my money, Black Jesus comes the closest to depicting what Jesus was probably like back in the day- he hangs with criminals, potheads, sinners, does good deeds where good deeds really COUNT.

    Verily I say unto thee, before the peacock network crows, you shall DVR my Easter TV Specials in three time zones!

    Easter TV Specials.

    He’s not testing well with the millenials. Maybe we should’ve put him after Leviticus?”

    To make sense out of this koo-koo Christ-a-thon, here comes (the surprisingly faithful, yet NOT repentant) 99 Cent Whore, who asks “What ELSE can we expect primetime TV to do to Jesus this month?” And (perhaps more importantly) “DID Jesus invent jelly beans?  And grow his own Easter grass?”

    Let’s see, well, they’ve already taken all the really GOOD gerunds: Finding, Killing, Continuing… Hey, how ’bout “Waxing?”   Yeah, that could work. “Waxing Jesus.”  Nah…

    “Auditing Jesus?”  Too edgy. (I mean, crucifixion was bad enough.  Surely God the Father would never make his only son go through THAT kind of hell.)

    “Refrigerating Jesus!” (Because unlike Half & Half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”)

    Easter TV Specials: Refrigerating Jesus?

    Refrigerating Jesus: Unlike half n half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”

    Easter TV Specials where the Christian version of the Wailing Wall looks something like this.

    The Christian version of The Wailing Wall.

    The Christian Version of theWailing Wall >>>>>

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Easter TV Specials- the gospel according to a humble whore.

    S/he who is without cable, cast the first stone.

    *Editor’s Note: I was surprised to learn that Facebook refused to let the video at the top of this post purchase a “boost” (basically an ad) on their website because they deemed it… 

    “Doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening, or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people.” 

    This really boggles my (the editor’s) mind and reaffirms my (editorial) belief that corporate America IS the Summer home of Satan. Nowhere in this video does the “whore” curse or use foul language of ANY kind.  And the only nudity is from the shoulders up. There are NO sexual acts portrayed, re-enacted or even MENTIONED (though Anderson Cooper DOES get a kiss on the cheek).

    And the tv shows referred to are actual, respected “family friendly,” faith-based cable shows. It must be the word “WHORE” itself that repels corporate social media’s moral police. This is ESPECIALLY interesting when you consider the fact that the Catholic Church itself was guilty of calling Mary Magdalene the “W” word  for centuries before it finally recanted its smear campaign against her in the 1960s. And so, I put this question to the authors of THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK:

    Okay here’s your question, Facebook… Ready? According to the writers of the New Testament, out of allllll his disciples, to whom did Jesus appear FIRST after he “resurrected.” Go on, guess…  (Show all work…) Pencils down!  Time’s up!

    Yup.

    The “whore.”

  • December19th

    (from left to right) top shelf: mary birdsong, tricia o'kelley, romy rosemont.  bottom level: greg cromer, jason antoon.

    (from left to right) top shelf: mary birdsong, tricia o’kelley, romy rosemont. bottom level: greg cromer, jason antoon

    I have no idea how Tricia O’Kelley, Romy Rosemont & I qualified to be interviewed for this excellent piece about “funny” by Liza Donnelly in Forbes, seeing as how we don’t even know any knock-knock jokes.  Maybe Greg Cromer and Jason Antoon (the men of Bitter Party of Five) told her she should include us as a sort of Christmas present to us or something. They’re soooooooo sweet!

    Here’s the link to Liza Donnelly’s interview: Funny Women And Funny Men: The Bitter Party Of Five – Forbes.

    And don’t forget to check out Liza’s new book featuring her killer cartoon work– “Women On Men” WomenOnMenCoverC_0

    (Pssst! Got a press request or bitter publicity stunt you’d like to get the “Bitter Five” for?  Contact Danny Deraney at Deraney PR. Want us to speak on your sassy snarky panel?  Oh, it’s on!)

  • November9th

    I can’t watch sitcoms.

    They make me tense (er).

    Lots of people have trouble understanding this. So let me explain: If i watch TV shows in which I could potentially be cast, it makes me feel like I’m…

    A plumber.

    A plumber who (at the end of a long day of fixing pipes and baring my ass-crack for pay) goes home to relax… by fixing some pipes and baring my ass-crack for free.

    Or better yet- watching a TV show that is populated with nothing but other plumbers who all bid on the same job I did, only THEY got hired, and I didn’t.  Even though their bid came in higher than mine.

    But it’s not really a problem.  It just means my TV viewing  is limited to the likes of Nova, AC360 (love that Anderson “super-duper” Cooper), or old movies in which all the stars are now… DEAD.  Oh, and I’m obsessed… (OB-SESSED!) with Ancient Aliens on H2, which used to be awesome, but now it’s just grasping at sci-fi straws.
    You can acquire more Bitter Birdsong thoughts by checking out Bitter Party of 5 on Blip.TV!

    Get more “Bitter Birdsong” on Bitter Party of 5 (on Blip.TV)!

    But, dear reader, despite my crunchy, hard, bitter candy shell, I’m not ALLLLLL cranky-pants.  Allow me to share my creamy nougat center for a moment, will you?
    Thanks.  Okay.  I’d like to go on record as saying that I actually DO ENJOY being a plumber, er… uh… an actress.  I’m incredibly lucky (and grateful) to be doing what I love for a living.  And to prove it, I’ll tell you where and when you can actually see it for your own eyes!
    This Thanksgiving you can catch me on The Middle on ABC when my character Marlene makes a special appearance.  You may remember the touching episode when Norm MacDonald’s character met me while I was working in a tollbooth and married me 2 months later.
    And for Christmastime viewing?  Tune in to Raising Hope on Fox, where Mayor Suzy Hellman is once again up to her old boozy tricks.  (No spoilers!)

    I agree, kid. I’m GLAD I’m an actress and not a plumber.

     

    When it comes right down to it, what’s the diff, really?  I mean,a crack is a crack is a crack.  A crack by any other name would still smell as… Look, at least I’m not smoking it!  We’re all just tryin’ to earn a buck, here, right?When it comes right down to it, what's the diff, really? (P.S. I don't know WTF I did that week, but my boobs have NEVER been that big.  Yay, bloating!)

    (P.S. I don’t know WHAT-the-F I ate that day, but my boobs have NEVER been that big- not before or since. Maybe sodium IS my friend????  Yay, bloating an be used for GOOD!)

  • October18th

    Watch Tony Hale: Bitter Party of Five | Bitter Party of Five Episodes | Comedy Videos | Blip.

    Tony Hale with Bitter Bedfellows Greg Cromer, Mary BIrdsong, Romy Rosemont, Tricia O'Kelley, & Jason Antoon

    Tony Hale w/bitter bedfellows (l to r):              Greg Cromer, Mary BIrdsong, Romy Rosemont, Tricia O’Kelley, & Jason Antoon

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    Tony has second thoughts about sharing a bed with this much bitterness

    Tricia O'Kelley sharing a rare bitter-free hug with Tony.

    Tricia O’Kelley sharing a rare bitter-free hug with Tony.

     

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