Mary Birdsong
  • Uncategorized
  • April19th

    In 99 Cent Whore’s beloved Easter special, you’ll learn the origin of many Easter and Passover traditions. And keep watching, because you don’t want to miss her special Easter song she sings to Jesus (it starts at minute 1:29). One of the most beloved easter songs on youtube- you’ll be sure to make it a family tradition!

    You can even sing along- the lyrics are below… (and if you are allergic to video- click here to play the song only):

    HAPPY EASTER JESUS (“Pasqua Felice”)

    easter songs youtube

    Jesus is risen (he is risen) so our prices are staying low (just 99 cents).

    Jesus is risen (Christ is risen!) so all our Easter stuff has to go.

    All our sins are forgiven (like murder & stealing) so jellybeans are just 59 cents.

    Because Christ is risen,

    (Christ is risen!) get your Easter grass cheap and smoke it while you repent.

    Chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies have never been crucified and left to die, but they taste awful good (Mmm!)

    I wish that I could give some to Jesus when he was crucified and left to die on that old cross of wood. It would have done him some good.

    So Happy Easter to you Jesus. You deserve a basket filled with Easter grasses and Peeps®, Marshmallow Peeps®. We all say “Muchos Gracias!” (Muchos Gracias!) 4 getting up on that cross. You’re the bomb! You’re the boss! Pasqua Felice. Pasqua Felice. And Peeps®.









    #easter songs youtube

  • November24th


    — Lady Ga of Ga

    (Okay, she didn’t REALLY say that Taylor Swift was dead on the AMA’s tonight. But if she HAD, it would’ve been the only thing Lady GaGa could have possibly done that would’ve made me happier* than her twisted “tip of the hat” to The Wizard of Oz did at the GMAs earlier this year.  That’s right, it was a GaGa/Garland smack-down. And I think Judy would’ve been pleased with her “horse of a different color” entrance on the red carpet tonight.) 

    As the great Lady of Ga took on the Lady of Gar(land) at the GMA’s, it was as if the planets suddenly aligned in the gay-icon, pop culture cosmos.  After all, when the fans of Garland and the fans of GaGa can find common ground, then surely there is hope for the partisan bickering on Capitol Hill.

    I ADORE young singers like Perry and GaGa for being EPIC.  For being larger than life.  They (or their “people” at least) have been injecting a highly theatrical aesthetic  into pop music.  And it’s about time.  More, please!

    And though I am not a 20 year old pop singing diva, I like to think that I played an infinitesimally tiny role in paving the way for these gals.  I have played both Judy Garland, and a geisha.  I think I  was ahead of my time, rocking THE GEISHA and the DOROTHY wayyyyy before these gorgeous young smartypants-pop singers did.  As evidence of my immeasurable contribution to their collective, creative genius, I submit to you….

    EXHIBIT A: THE GEISHA (2013 vs 2002)

    Ok so sure, if this were a “Who Wore It Better?” competition in US Weekly magazine,  guess who’d win.  No, really, come on– guess.

    (Reno 911.  Before joining "the force," I played a masochistic geisha/masseuse & proceeded to beat the shit out of Ben Garant)

    (Reno 911. Before joining “the force,” I played a masochistic geisha/masseuse & proceeded to beat the shit out of Ben Garant)









    Ok now if Exhibit B were a “Who Wore It Better?” competition in US Weekly magazine, I MIGHT have a shot at TAKING this round.

    Want more clips of Mary performing as Judy Garland?  Then click your heels three times, and then click here.

    In closing… Katy?  GaGa?  You’re welcome.  And keep doing what you’re doing.  You’re both amazing.  And I’m glad I could be such a pivotal influence on your fabulousness.  🙂

    Click here for some spectacular images of “Gaga Oz.”

    And the fabulous Katy Perry geisha-rific video, courtesy Sir Perez Hilton, can be seen here.

    *Let me state for the record that I do NOT wish death on Taylor Swift.  I couldn’t even hum a Taylor Swift tune if you paid me. But it DOES seem that a lot of OTHER people just HATE that poor girl.

  • November20th

    “Hey West Coast! I’ll be live tweeting during the Thanksgiving episode of THE MIDDLE on ABC tonight (at 8pm Pacific). Why? I have no idea why. (In the olden days, when we wanted to be actors, we took acting classes. Nowadays? We learn how to live tweet.)

    Some of my Bitter Party of Five peeps might even join in. (If they don’t, it’ll make me even bitter-er-er.) So put your tweet-hats on & follow me on twitter: @marybirdsong

    And don’t be shy about tweeting @TheMiddle_ABC to let em know how much you loved that boozy, slutty, classy dame- Marlene!

    (Not on twitter?  Then go to THE MIDDLE’s facebook page and “like” it.)

    Mary Birdsong as "Marlene" on ABC's "The Middle"

    Mary Birdsong as “Marlene” on ABC’s “The Middle”

  • November17th


  • November13th

    What's a gal gotta DO to be more "receptive" to these coquettish UPS guys? Sit on my curb in a nightie and a tattoo of my InfoNotice #?

    What’s a gal gotta DO to be more “receptive” to these coquettish UPS guys? Sit on my curb in a nightie w/a tramp stamp of my InfoNotice #?




    Hey, UPS…. hi.   (Mind if I call ya U?  Great. Thanks, U.)  I see you attempted delivery today, U.  Interesting,  cuz I was home, chained to my desk, ALL THE LIVE-LONG,  DOUBLE-DAMNED, DAY!  I played no radio, no television.  Watched no loud videos on my laptop. I didn’t even take a freakin’ SHOWER!  I just sat there waiting for you.    What the hell do I have to do to be more receptive to your deliveries?  Spread my legs and wait on the curb in a clingy marabou nightie?  My name and  “InfoNotice” number inked onto my skin in a tramp stamp of despair?  My building’s super even stopped by to inspect my smoke alarm.  And HE managed to get in somehow.  I wonder how? HOW did he do it?  What technology did he enlist in this baffling, momentous quest?  Ohhhhh, right….

    He knocked.  

    Ya know… on wood?

    Yeeeeeaaah… You might wanna look into it.  I’m sure they have training programs at The Learning Annex. Oy maybe you can find a “how to” video on Ted? Or maybe there’s a button you can push on that super-sonic Battlestar Galactica death-ray scanning gun that will allow you to access something called a telephone! 

    I MEAN… WHAT THE F,    U?

    Okay, I admit that when I was younger, when you first started playing this hot/cold, coquettish, cat and mouse game with me so many years ago, I was smitten.  It was cute at first. But not anymore.  I have shit to do now.  So why do you STILL INSIST on hiding in the bushes until I get in my car and  prancing nimbly to my apartment with your “stick it on the door” memo of doom?  And don’t tell me to join your exclusive “clubs” like UPS MyChoice, cuz I already DID!  Besides, any club that would have me as a member is a club I have no interest in jo–

    Aw forGET it.  Look, we’re gonna FINISH this conversation when I come to the  warehouse in Omaha to pick it up myself.

    Actually, ya know what?  I didn’t really need that insulin anyway.  You can keep it. 

    (Pssssst… Don’t have enough UPS horror stories of your own?  Then click here for the best of the worst!)



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