Mary Birdsong
  • sketch comedy
  • July26th

  • April7th

    The person I have to thank for alerting me to Sarah Fentem’s awesome and way overdue attack on the P word is, ironically, a man. A straight man.  A straight man who has removed MY underwear (a perfectly acceptable word, underwear) quite expertly, many a time, in years past. And on all of those occasions, not once did he call them p…a…n…t…i…e…s.

    Had he done so, I would’ve given the romance a week at best instead of the year-long angst-affair it blossomed into. He’s a good egg, though.  We’re friends now. I mean he told me about this article in The Atlantic, right? So… he just did a real mitzvah.  (What can I say, I love the Jews. I was even on J Date for a while.  A story for another time…)

    So, the “P WORD.”  It has bugged me for a kibijillion years, but I thought maybe I was alone on this one.  No one else seemed all that upset about it’s abhorrent usage by people over the age of five.  I’ve even heard feminists say it… with no tongue anywhere NEAR their collective cheek. So it was such a delight to finally have a smart lady in my corner. Read Sarah Fentem’s piece in The Atlantic Monthly:

    Why the Word Panties Is So Awful (And What to Do About It) — Atlantic Mobile.

  • April2nd

    Well, whaddayaknow… #BibleAMovie is trending.  Does this mean, then, that Jesus is now more popular than Kim Kardashian? Ponder this, and other deep theological mysteries as you watch this 99 Cent Whore Easter Special, in which she explains the REAL meaning of Easter. (For example- did you know that Jesus INVENTED jellybeans?) Now, praise Jesus and pass the peanut butter eggs!                                And in last year’s Easter Special, the 99 Cent Whore even wrote a special Easter song! Watch:

    Easter Specials- Jesus offers John Lennon some bread.

    Annnhhh haaa- Eat it, John!

    I’m sure before long #BibleATVShow will be trending too. There’s certainly a slew of new Jesus-filled Easter TV specials out now (mostly mini-series). It’s become a pre-resurrection ratings-race.  You’ve got yourFinding Jesus on CNN; and once they find him, it’s time for Killing Jesus on Nat Geo; and once they’ve killed him, it’s time for resurrecting him – A.D. The Bible Continues on NBC (which, let’s be honest, may as well be called Rating Jesus.”)  And though it isn’t technically a mini-series (so it’s… what, a maxi-series I guess?) I feel it my duty to mention Black Jesus (cue the wah-wah pedal, my brothuh from another (virgin) muthuh!).

    Easter TV Specials- oh, if only Adult Swim would make a mini-series for THIS Jesus!

    Closest to the real deal.

    For my money, Black Jesus comes the closest to depicting what Jesus was probably like back in the day- he hangs with criminals, potheads, sinners, does good deeds where good deeds really COUNT.

    Verily I say unto thee, before the peacock network crows, you shall DVR my Easter TV Specials in three time zones!

    Easter TV Specials.

    He’s not testing well with the millenials. Maybe we should’ve put him after Leviticus?”

    To make sense out of this koo-koo Christ-a-thon, here comes (the surprisingly faithful, yet NOT repentant) 99 Cent Whore, who asks “What ELSE can we expect primetime TV to do to Jesus this month?” And (perhaps more importantly) “DID Jesus invent jelly beans?  And grow his own Easter grass?”

    Let’s see, well, they’ve already taken all the really GOOD gerunds: Finding, Killing, Continuing… Hey, how ’bout “Waxing?”   Yeah, that could work. “Waxing Jesus.”  Nah…

    “Auditing Jesus?”  Too edgy. (I mean, crucifixion was bad enough.  Surely God the Father would never make his only son go through THAT kind of hell.)

    “Refrigerating Jesus!” (Because unlike Half & Half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”)

    Easter TV Specials: Refrigerating Jesus?

    Refrigerating Jesus: Unlike half n half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”

    Easter TV Specials where the Christian version of the Wailing Wall looks something like this.

    The Christian version of The Wailing Wall.

    The Christian Version of theWailing Wall >>>>>

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Easter TV Specials- the gospel according to a humble whore.

    S/he who is without cable, cast the first stone.

    *Editor’s Note: I was surprised to learn that Facebook refused to let the video at the top of this post purchase a “boost” (basically an ad) on their website because they deemed it… 

    “Doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening, or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people.” 

    This really boggles my (the editor’s) mind and reaffirms my (editorial) belief that corporate America IS the Summer home of Satan. Nowhere in this video does the “whore” curse or use foul language of ANY kind.  And the only nudity is from the shoulders up. There are NO sexual acts portrayed, re-enacted or even MENTIONED (though Anderson Cooper DOES get a kiss on the cheek).

    And the tv shows referred to are actual, respected “family friendly,” faith-based cable shows. It must be the word “WHORE” itself that repels corporate social media’s moral police. This is ESPECIALLY interesting when you consider the fact that the Catholic Church itself was guilty of calling Mary Magdalene the “W” word  for centuries before it finally recanted its smear campaign against her in the 1960s. And so, I put this question to the authors of THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK:

    Okay here’s your question, Facebook… Ready? According to the writers of the New Testament, out of allllll his disciples, to whom did Jesus appear FIRST after he “resurrected.” Go on, guess…  (Show all work…) Pencils down!  Time’s up!

    Yup.

    The “whore.”

  • March24th

    Oh, to be British!

    BRITISH.  STUFFY.  WE ROCK.

    We’re British. We’re Stuffy. We Rock.

    Ever get the urge to just walk into your local bodega and ask for a bagel with cream cheese, but in a voice totally NOT your own?  Just to see if they buy it?

    No?                Just me?         Oh.                               Wellllll, if you haven’t tried being British, you’re really missing out on some jolly good fun. And it’s FREE! (Except… yeah, you might have to buy that bagel.  Still, well worth it!) 

    tea time!

    The Brits (and I) do love our tea! (But everything in moderation, my dears.)

    ACHTUNG!  AVISO! (Warning) 

    (DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO THIS AROUND ANY ACTUAL BRITS.  THEY’LL JUST FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.)  But if the coast is clear, go for it.  The next time there’s nothing on TV and you broke the internet again and someone stole your X-Box, your Wii and all your poker chips, and you don’t have any good books, and there’s no one to make-out with, try making your own zany fun. It’s easy!

    Just walk into your nearest Rite-Aid or CVS or 99 Cent Store  and say to a sales clerk in the crustiest, snootiest, British accent you can manage, “I beg your pardon, madam.  In what aisle of this establishment might I find a good douche?  One that rrrrrrreally flushes all the ‘riff-raff’ out of the old ‘eery’ canal, if you will.”   (If you ask for Grey Poupon they’ll just call you a hack and walk away.  Trust me.  Go with the douche option.  Much funnier, and they won’t see it coming. Plus, you asked them a perfectly reasonable question, so they’ll have to actually show you where the douches are.  If you have the balls to do this (again- in the voice I have recorded in the track below) hit me back with a comment to let me know how they responded. Or better yet- record the whole thing!

    "I like it ruff."  -- Mary Birdsong  (Only 8 people will get that joke.  They will all be over 30.)

    “I like it ruff.” — Mary Birdsong (Only 8 people will get that joke. They will all be over 30.)

  • September21st

    MEAT & OKRA…      & MEETIN’ OPRAH!

    (Because okra’s gross.  But Oprah’s not. And if ANYONE can give this slimy, Cajun-cooked freak a TV-ready makeover, it’s Oprah.  Here’s my killer idea for the world’s worst cooking show.)

    There's okra. There's Oprah.  And you get to meet them both!

    There’s okra. And there’s Oprah. And you’d get to meet both!

     

    It’s perfect for the FOOD NETWORK (or O.W.N. – not sure which).  Maybe it’ll be one of those new-fangled shows that are simulcast on two channels at once! Okay, so the concept is simple- Every episode, a Southern lady would makes a dish that includes  meat, and a mushy, slimy vegetable that creeps me out (aka OKRA). Then Oprah comes out and eats it. Come on- it writes itself!  Seriously, I really do hate okra, unless it’s in a gumbo or something, but this  recipe for Ground Beef Chili with Stir-Fried Okra actually looks pretty good, and is very healthy. This nice lady at biscuitsandsuch.com seems to like okra a lot, so maybe I should re-think…

    …those slimy little sci-fi lookin’ green sumbitches!  Aaaaaghhhhhh!!!!! 

    This is Capt Kirk on planet okra- do you read me?
    CAPT. KIRK on PLANET OKRA

    (Photo of Oprah, sans her adorbs okra accessories, courtesy of rolling out.com)

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