Mary Birdsong
  • shopping
  • April27th

    (Now in biodegradable!)

    Mary Birdsong wearing an apple watch on the red carpet at Entertainment Weekly Oscars party.

    Mary Birdsong describes her red-carpet look as “nouveau DIY w/a retro twist.” And that includes her watch.

    If I’m going to spend thousands of dollars on an Apple watch, I better be able to EAT the damned thing if I’m in a plane crash in the arctic or something.  Otherwise?  You, my friend, are lookin’ miiiiighty tasty…. 

    I think it’s fair to say that this “amazing advance” in timekeeping falls under one of my favorite categories: “Why People Hate America.”

    But just to show that I can be nice sometimes (even to rich people who buy totally unnecessary gadgets) you can click on this LINK to get all kinds of super neat-o tips and learn secret tricks you can show off to your rich friends later, when the heathens are admiring your “Satanic sun-dial-on-a-strap.”

    Seriously… $17,000 dollars?  THINK what else you could do with that money!  According to the International Business Times, it costs a little over $200 per person to give an Ebola test in West Africa.  Maybe one watch could wipe out the disease in a small village? Or at least CONTAIN it!

    I mean, why not just walk around with a small West African family wrapped around your wrist and ask THEM what time it is?  But be careful-  those Liberian models don’t have the greatest anti-virus software.

    (Fucking ebola!  Ruined my new watch!)

    $10K for a watch?! I ain't got time fuh DAT!

    $10K for a $%$ watch?! I ain’t got time fuh DAT!

  • February12th

    Ohhhhh, Maynard!

    They Don’t Write Em Like That Anymore… Hop In My “Valen-Time Machine” to the 1920s! | 99 Cent Whore.

    There just ain’t nothin’ as sweet/sad as this bunch of old, used Valentines Day Cards I bought on Ebay from the 1920s & 30s… written by little boys and girls with names  like Henrietta, Hortense, and Maynard, all lookin’ to hook up.

    They’re sweet cuz they’re all so rosy-cheeked and innocent.  And sad cuz they’re all probably dead by now.  Like… DAYYYYY-UD dead.

    repurposed hearts- under a buck each.

    Well, at least they HAD a Valentine. I’m alive, sure enough, but with nary a sweetheart to be found.  So if y’all don’t mind, I’m gonna git in my science fiction Valen-Time Machine and git to smoochin with Maynard. That boy sure do know how to… well, I ain’t gonna sci-fi kiss & tell.


  • July31st

    Share a Coke® and a…. snarky, immature giggle.  But come on- this new marketing idea could turn out to be the most fun name game EVER!  Oh, advertising!  You coy little harlot, you!

    Share a Coke and a.... snarky, immature giggle.  But come on- this could turn out to be the most fun name game EVER!

    Don’t get me wrong- I truly love Coca Cola products. Right now I’m really into CokeZero®– so much so that I gotta be careful with it. I swore off soda for years because I used to drink so much Diet Coke® that I had to get off of it cold turkey when I quit cigarettes. Kept a 20 oz bottle in my purse at all times. I was hooked. Not kidding- I would not smoke a cigarette without a Diet Coke, and I would not have a Diet Coke without a cigarette.  I was like the people who’d only light up when they drank booze. But since I didn’t drink booze, I chose to light up only when I had a Diet Coke.  And I ALWAYS had a diet coke.  And now, after a lonnnnnng hiatus from the evil DC, I have been dallying in CokeZero.  Seems harmless enough, right?  I mean…. it’s not like I’m having a Diet Coke.  But I find myself craving these “Zeros” more and more.

    Coke Zero could have me flowing down that slippery-soda-slope to my ultimate, carbonated doom. 

    p.s. I just had an awful thought.  If I buy a Coke Zero with my name on it (Mary), and I drink it all up with great satisfaction, does that make me a narcissist?

    Yes.  Yes, it does.

    God bless the United States of a Narcissist.

  • November26th

    Say, fellas... Got a spoiled step-daughter? Feeling stressed about finding her the 
    perfect gift? (Is she also kinda hot and often often dressed inappropriately?) Well then 
    THIS Christmas- give her the gift that says you CARE. 
    Give her The Head of John the Baptist! 
    It's the PERFECT stocking-stuffer for the girl who has everything! 
    Yeeeeesssss, the Head of John the Baptist! 
    (Because, really... Who wants another scarf? She's got already GOT seven of em!)

    by marybirdsong.


  • November20th

    “Hey West Coast! I’ll be live tweeting during the Thanksgiving episode of THE MIDDLE on ABC tonight (at 8pm Pacific). Why? I have no idea why. (In the olden days, when we wanted to be actors, we took acting classes. Nowadays? We learn how to live tweet.)

    Some of my Bitter Party of Five peeps might even join in. (If they don’t, it’ll make me even bitter-er-er.) So put your tweet-hats on & follow me on twitter: @marybirdsong

    And don’t be shy about tweeting @TheMiddle_ABC to let em know how much you loved that boozy, slutty, classy dame- Marlene!

    (Not on twitter?  Then go to THE MIDDLE’s facebook page and “like” it.)

    Mary Birdsong as "Marlene" on ABC's "The Middle"

    Mary Birdsong as “Marlene” on ABC’s “The Middle”

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