Mary Birdsong
  • Fashion
  • April27th

    (Now in biodegradable!)

    Mary Birdsong wearing an apple watch on the red carpet at Entertainment Weekly Oscars party.

    Mary Birdsong describes her red-carpet look as “nouveau DIY w/a retro twist.” And that includes her watch.

    If I’m going to spend thousands of dollars on an Apple watch, I better be able to EAT the damned thing if I’m in a plane crash in the arctic or something.  Otherwise?  You, my friend, are lookin’ miiiiighty tasty…. 

    I think it’s fair to say that this “amazing advance” in timekeeping falls under one of my favorite categories: “Why People Hate America.”

    But just to show that I can be nice sometimes (even to rich people who buy totally unnecessary gadgets) you can click on this LINK to get all kinds of super neat-o tips and learn secret tricks you can show off to your rich friends later, when the heathens are admiring your “Satanic sun-dial-on-a-strap.”

    Seriously… $17,000 dollars?  THINK what else you could do with that money!  According to the International Business Times, it costs a little over $200 per person to give an Ebola test in West Africa.  Maybe one watch could wipe out the disease in a small village? Or at least CONTAIN it!

    I mean, why not just walk around with a small West African family wrapped around your wrist and ask THEM what time it is?  But be careful-  those Liberian models don’t have the greatest anti-virus software.

    (Fucking ebola!  Ruined my new watch!)

    $10K for a watch?! I ain't got time fuh DAT!

    $10K for a $%$ watch?! I ain’t got time fuh DAT!

  • January23rd

    Not only will this slip flatter the curvy figure, it’ll make ANY woman look ten times Jung-er! IMG_2573.JPG
    I dream about a LOTTA crazy shit. My dreams are (thankfully) almost always chock full o’ symbols that make my dreams, well … psychologically TASTIER.
    The weird symbols in my dreams are like the raisins in my subconscious’ Raisin Bran; they’re the pink hearts and blue diamonds in the lucid dreamer’s Lucky Charms. Without them? Well, lemme put it this way: They’d be about as exciting as watching five hours of C-Span.
    I think symbols in dreams are just plain FUN. They’re COOL and enlightening. But, I don’t know how much stock I put in Sigmund Freud’s assertion that they mean X, or Y, or even G.
    By taking the time to draw whatever I can remember from my dreams each morning, and writing down (in words) any narrative I can recall, nine times out of ten I discover WHY (for example) a Q-Tip chasing me on a pink tiger is actually NOT about some secret desire to have a cotton swab instead of my vagina, but is in fact about some meaningful but totally unrelated thought I had the day before in the span of a nano-second while I happened to glance at a Q-Tip in my medicine cabinet. When that happens… When my brain happens to be thinking “You’re going to die alone” when my eye inadvertently catches sight of a Q-Tip, that little cotton swab will become inextricably linked to that depressing prediction. It never ASKED to represent something like that, but like it or not, that little cotton swab
    just got promoted to…
    Cotton SYMBOL.
    (Warning! Aviso! Achtung! Never insert a subconscious symbol into your ear canal!)
    So Dr. Freud… I don’t think it’s a “one size fits all” formula.
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go clean my ear holes.

  • December30th

    20131230-152034.jpg “I’m Bringin’ Chastity Belts Back!”

  • November3rd

    birdsong vs thyreSo inspired was I by Lady Sarah Thyre’s festooned “chapeau” on Instagram that I simply must respond in kind with a verbal challenge & a jaunty cap of my own. That’s right. You’ve just walked into… a HAT-OFF! And it’s quite possible this could get ugly. The hats, however… the hats shall be decidedly NOT ugly. They shall always be veddy veddy pretty.

    Please do feel free to weigh in on which hat you think  superior, and most befitting a lady of our station. Or post your own daguerreotype …

    (Et comme ca:)

    Too casual?

    Mary Birdsong is an actress, a writer, and a lover of hats.

    Mary Birdsong is an actress, a writer, and a lover of hats

  • September11th

    Is THIS the woman I know I am?

    Is THIS the woman I know I am?

    How 'bout now?

    How ’bout now?

    Could THIS be the w-- nah.

    Maybe now?  Nah.

    So… apparently during Fashion Week, some of the designers have cue cards held up for the models as they strut down the runway.

    Cue cards, Mary?  But… the models don’t talk on the runways, right?  They just… walk.

    And to that I say, “Oh, stop judging!!! Those poor runway models are speaking in their hearts!!”

    Fair enough, you say.  So what exactly ARE they “saying?”

    Well, a trusted source on the “inside” related that one of the designers had cue cards out there for the models, one of which said:


    If I saw a cue card that said that?  I’d march right off the stage and demand that the stylist bring me a pair of sweat pants and a bag of fritos.

     THEN I’d make my entrance.






%d bloggers like this: