Mary Birdsong
  • Crafts
  • February12th

    Ohhhhh, Maynard!

    They Don’t Write Em Like That Anymore… Hop In My “Valen-Time Machine” to the 1920s! | 99 Cent Whore.

    There just ain’t nothin’ as sweet/sad as this bunch of old, used Valentines Day Cards I bought on Ebay from the 1920s & 30s… written by little boys and girls with names  like Henrietta, Hortense, and Maynard, all lookin’ to hook up.

    They’re sweet cuz they’re all so rosy-cheeked and innocent.  And sad cuz they’re all probably dead by now.  Like… DAYYYYY-UD dead.

    repurposed hearts- under a buck each.

    Well, at least they HAD a Valentine. I’m alive, sure enough, but with nary a sweetheart to be found.  So if y’all don’t mind, I’m gonna git in my science fiction Valen-Time Machine and git to smoochin with Maynard. That boy sure do know how to… well, I ain’t gonna sci-fi kiss & tell.

    (HINT: YOU’LL GET TO SEE A TON MORE OF THESE AWESOME RELICS IF YOU CLICK ON THE LINK AT THE TOP OF THIS POST – “THEY DON’T WRITE EM LIKE THAT ANYMORE”)

  • August2nd

    IMG_0071

    IS IT POSSIBLE TO REPURPOSE A PERSON?  (Why, yes.  Yes, it is.) My sister reminded me of some great feng shui tips she (no, no- you just said it wrong. You said it like “fehng shoo-y.” It’s pronounced “fung shway.”)  Anyway- she reminded me of some great feng shui tips she learned from an audio-book I gave her of The Secret® years ago.  We both agreed that The Secret® is total bullshit®. Then we discussed with great fervor how I should do exactly what The Secret® says I should do.  It told the story of a woman who wanted to attract a man into her life, but was having no luck at all.  Then she realized that she had some very “I’m single and I always will be” habits that she needed to get rid of, like…

    • Sleeping in the middle of her queen-sized bed, instead of leaving room on one side for her man to sleep next to her

    • Keeping her closet so packed with clothes there was no room for her man’s clothes

    • Parking in the middle of the garage, thus taking up two spaces, leaving no room for…. you guessed it- her man’s car

    You get the idea.  At the time, my sister and I happened to be talking about doing this to help a creative project of mine get to the next level, but then later while I was cleaning, I decided to go ahead and apply it to my bedroom. The “after” photo is above.  I should’ve taken a “before” shot as well because it was pretty bad. The bed was shoved into the corner, there were wayyyyyy too many pillows on the bed, the list goes on and on.  But the worst part?  When I was smoothing the bedcovers I noticed that they were covered in dust.

    THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BED HADN’T BEEN SLEPT IN

    FOR SO LONG… THAT I ACTUALLY HAD TO DUST IT.

    I HAD TO

    DUST.

    IT.

    So sad.

    But my favorite part about the new bedroom’s makeover is the dolls.   (Let me finish!!!) My mom sews these dolls for people that are supposed to look like them, and then she gives the dolls to them as gifts.

    I know.  It’s just…

    Anyway, I still have this doll she made of an ex-boyfriend of mine.   I tried to get rid of it, trust me.  I even donated it to a thrift shop , but then I felt guilty because my mom had MADE him, so I went back to the store and bought him.  But here’s the thing- I figured if I could just repurpose him, maybe it wouldn’t be bad feng shui to keep this doll of an ex in my bedroom on the guy’s side of the bed.  Ya know?  So- I took off his glasses, and I replaced the little electric guitar used to be holding with something else.  I replaced it with a condom.  Voila!  He’s a condom dispenser!

    May I offer you a breath mint?  Jesus candle?  How about a condom?

    Hello, big boy.  May I offer you a breath mint? Jesus candle? How about a condom?

    Not only is it safe sex, and helpful for whoever I wind up sleeping with to have a condom ready to go, but the fact that it’s being “handed” to my new lover by my OLD lover is like a fun practical joke on the ex.  Right?  Maybe? Not sure.  He was the one who dumped ME.  I can’t do the karma calculus.

    If I knew how, I’d rig the doll electronically so it could do cool stuff.  Like– as soon as I turn off the light, it could automatically light the Jesus candle, eject the condom from some sort of spring-loaded mechanism in it’s hand, and play a song:

    “He’s got the wholllllle wer-erld in his hand, he’s got the whollllle wer-erld in his hand, he’s got the whollllle wer-erld…”

    Oh, also? The doll was Jewish, because the ex-boyfriend is Jewish.  So I hope he enjoys hugging that big ol’ Jesus candle.  Ha ha.

    Jew.

     

     

     

  • January27th

    I like my furniture like I like my men–  real fixer-uppers.  Diamonds in the buff, if you will.

    But lately, I’m starting to think I better curb that instinct to take in “strays,” convincing myself all the while that I’M soooooo special that I’LL be the one (the only one) to truly transform them.   (Wait a minute… we’re still talking about furniture now, right?)  Progress is… NOT hauling an old beat-up piano I saw on the street into my Mini Cooper, thinking “My crafty, DIY skills will fix it up & get it tuned! It’ll sound gr8!” This is the equivalent of dating a junkie I found on the street and thinking “My undying love and quirky persona will fix him up & get him in tune w/his higher self! He’ll be great!”

    You mean my love is NOT transformative and all-powerful?  Huh.

    You mean my love is NOT transformative and all-powerful? Huh.

    marybirdsong on Instagram.

  • December27th

     

  • August7th

    The latest edition to the Birdsong Book of Dreams  The pattern reminds me of one of my favorite dresses I had as a kid.

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