Mary Birdsong
  • Comedy
  • July26th

  • May20th

    You know that movie out now with Al Pacino where he gets a personal letter from John Lennon thirty years after John wrote it to him, long after John is dead?  That’s how I feel about this letter.  Only I got it about 3 days after Dave wrote it.  Also Dave is still alive.  And not in the Beatles.  And was never married to Yoko Ono. Otherwise it’s exactly the same thing.

    Letter from David Letterman to actress Mary Birdsong.

    a LETTER. from a MAN. a man named LETTERMAN.

    I’ve been saving Dave’s letter for 14 yrs. It’s suffered many a thumbtack wound since then.  Since I posted it on Twitter, people have been telling me I should frame it.  But that seems too impersonal and too fancy and too…. sterile.  I like that it’s rumpled and full of thumbtack holes, staples, and scotch tape.  That’s kind of like Dave himself seems to me.  That’s what makes him funny, and yes- sexy.

    Dave Letterman you are one sexy, elegant, original man.

    Click on the link to see a fun thing about a sad thing: Billy Eichner and David Letterman take to the street to figure out Dave’s next move |

    Wanna say goodbye to Dave personally?  Or share a great memory about him?  You can do so by going to this Twitter page, which was set up explicitly for that purpose: @ByeLetterman

    I kind of wish they’d called it @AlohaLetterman, cuz saying “Bye” is too sad.

  • April27th

    (Now in biodegradable!)

    Mary Birdsong wearing an apple watch on the red carpet at Entertainment Weekly Oscars party.

    Mary Birdsong describes her red-carpet look as “nouveau DIY w/a retro twist.” And that includes her watch.

    If I’m going to spend thousands of dollars on an Apple watch, I better be able to EAT the damned thing if I’m in a plane crash in the arctic or something.  Otherwise?  You, my friend, are lookin’ miiiiighty tasty…. 

    I think it’s fair to say that this “amazing advance” in timekeeping falls under one of my favorite categories: “Why People Hate America.”

    But just to show that I can be nice sometimes (even to rich people who buy totally unnecessary gadgets) you can click on this LINK to get all kinds of super neat-o tips and learn secret tricks you can show off to your rich friends later, when the heathens are admiring your “Satanic sun-dial-on-a-strap.”

    Seriously… $17,000 dollars?  THINK what else you could do with that money!  According to the International Business Times, it costs a little over $200 per person to give an Ebola test in West Africa.  Maybe one watch could wipe out the disease in a small village? Or at least CONTAIN it!

    I mean, why not just walk around with a small West African family wrapped around your wrist and ask THEM what time it is?  But be careful-  those Liberian models don’t have the greatest anti-virus software.

    (Fucking ebola!  Ruined my new watch!)

    $10K for a watch?! I ain't got time fuh DAT!

    $10K for a $%$ watch?! I ain’t got time fuh DAT!

  • April7th

    The person I have to thank for alerting me to Sarah Fentem’s awesome and way overdue attack on the P word is, ironically, a man. A straight man.  A straight man who has removed MY underwear (a perfectly acceptable word, underwear) quite expertly, many a time, in years past. And on all of those occasions, not once did he call them p…a…n…t…i…e…s.

    Had he done so, I would’ve given the romance a week at best instead of the year-long angst-affair it blossomed into. He’s a good egg, though.  We’re friends now. I mean he told me about this article in The Atlantic, right? So… he just did a real mitzvah.  (What can I say, I love the Jews. I was even on J Date for a while.  A story for another time…)

    So, the “P WORD.”  It has bugged me for a kibijillion years, but I thought maybe I was alone on this one.  No one else seemed all that upset about it’s abhorrent usage by people over the age of five.  I’ve even heard feminists say it… with no tongue anywhere NEAR their collective cheek. So it was such a delight to finally have a smart lady in my corner. Read Sarah Fentem’s piece in The Atlantic Monthly:

    Why the Word Panties Is So Awful (And What to Do About It) — Atlantic Mobile.

  • April2nd

    Well, whaddayaknow… #BibleAMovie is trending.  Does this mean, then, that Jesus is now more popular than Kim Kardashian? Ponder this, and other deep theological mysteries as you watch this 99 Cent Whore Easter Special, in which she explains the REAL meaning of Easter. (For example- did you know that Jesus INVENTED jellybeans?) Now, praise Jesus and pass the peanut butter eggs!                                And in last year’s Easter Special, the 99 Cent Whore even wrote a special Easter song! Watch:

    Easter Specials- Jesus offers John Lennon some bread.

    Annnhhh haaa- Eat it, John!

    I’m sure before long #BibleATVShow will be trending too. There’s certainly a slew of new Jesus-filled Easter TV specials out now (mostly mini-series). It’s become a pre-resurrection ratings-race.  You’ve got yourFinding Jesus on CNN; and once they find him, it’s time for Killing Jesus on Nat Geo; and once they’ve killed him, it’s time for resurrecting him – A.D. The Bible Continues on NBC (which, let’s be honest, may as well be called Rating Jesus.”)  And though it isn’t technically a mini-series (so it’s… what, a maxi-series I guess?) I feel it my duty to mention Black Jesus (cue the wah-wah pedal, my brothuh from another (virgin) muthuh!).

    Easter TV Specials- oh, if only Adult Swim would make a mini-series for THIS Jesus!

    Closest to the real deal.

    For my money, Black Jesus comes the closest to depicting what Jesus was probably like back in the day- he hangs with criminals, potheads, sinners, does good deeds where good deeds really COUNT.

    Verily I say unto thee, before the peacock network crows, you shall DVR my Easter TV Specials in three time zones!

    Easter TV Specials.

    He’s not testing well with the millenials. Maybe we should’ve put him after Leviticus?”

    To make sense out of this koo-koo Christ-a-thon, here comes (the surprisingly faithful, yet NOT repentant) 99 Cent Whore, who asks “What ELSE can we expect primetime TV to do to Jesus this month?” And (perhaps more importantly) “DID Jesus invent jelly beans?  And grow his own Easter grass?”

    Let’s see, well, they’ve already taken all the really GOOD gerunds: Finding, Killing, Continuing… Hey, how ’bout “Waxing?”   Yeah, that could work. “Waxing Jesus.”  Nah…

    “Auditing Jesus?”  Too edgy. (I mean, crucifixion was bad enough.  Surely God the Father would never make his only son go through THAT kind of hell.)

    “Refrigerating Jesus!” (Because unlike Half & Half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”)

    Easter TV Specials: Refrigerating Jesus?

    Refrigerating Jesus: Unlike half n half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”

    Easter TV Specials where the Christian version of the Wailing Wall looks something like this.

    The Christian version of The Wailing Wall.

    The Christian Version of theWailing Wall >>>>>








    Easter TV Specials- the gospel according to a humble whore.

    S/he who is without cable, cast the first stone.

    *Editor’s Note: I was surprised to learn that Facebook refused to let the video at the top of this post purchase a “boost” (basically an ad) on their website because they deemed it… 

    “Doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening, or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people.” 

    This really boggles my (the editor’s) mind and reaffirms my (editorial) belief that corporate America IS the Summer home of Satan. Nowhere in this video does the “whore” curse or use foul language of ANY kind.  And the only nudity is from the shoulders up. There are NO sexual acts portrayed, re-enacted or even MENTIONED (though Anderson Cooper DOES get a kiss on the cheek).

    And the tv shows referred to are actual, respected “family friendly,” faith-based cable shows. It must be the word “WHORE” itself that repels corporate social media’s moral police. This is ESPECIALLY interesting when you consider the fact that the Catholic Church itself was guilty of calling Mary Magdalene the “W” word  for centuries before it finally recanted its smear campaign against her in the 1960s. And so, I put this question to the authors of THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK:

    Okay here’s your question, Facebook… Ready? According to the writers of the New Testament, out of allllll his disciples, to whom did Jesus appear FIRST after he “resurrected.” Go on, guess…  (Show all work…) Pencils down!  Time’s up!


    The “whore.”

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