Mary Birdsong
  • 99 Cent Whore
  • April2nd

    Well, whaddayaknow… #BibleAMovie is trending.  Does this mean, then, that Jesus is now more popular than Kim Kardashian? Ponder this, and other deep theological mysteries as you watch this 99 Cent Whore Easter Special, in which she explains the REAL meaning of Easter. (For example- did you know that Jesus INVENTED jellybeans?) Now, praise Jesus and pass the peanut butter eggs!                                And in last year’s Easter Special, the 99 Cent Whore even wrote a special Easter song! Watch:

    Easter Specials- Jesus offers John Lennon some bread.

    Annnhhh haaa- Eat it, John!

    I’m sure before long #BibleATVShow will be trending too. There’s certainly a slew of new Jesus-filled Easter TV specials out now (mostly mini-series). It’s become a pre-resurrection ratings-race.  You’ve got yourFinding Jesus on CNN; and once they find him, it’s time for Killing Jesus on Nat Geo; and once they’ve killed him, it’s time for resurrecting him – A.D. The Bible Continues on NBC (which, let’s be honest, may as well be called Rating Jesus.”)  And though it isn’t technically a mini-series (so it’s… what, a maxi-series I guess?) I feel it my duty to mention Black Jesus (cue the wah-wah pedal, my brothuh from another (virgin) muthuh!).

    Easter TV Specials- oh, if only Adult Swim would make a mini-series for THIS Jesus!

    Closest to the real deal.

    For my money, Black Jesus comes the closest to depicting what Jesus was probably like back in the day- he hangs with criminals, potheads, sinners, does good deeds where good deeds really COUNT.

    Verily I say unto thee, before the peacock network crows, you shall DVR my Easter TV Specials in three time zones!

    Easter TV Specials.

    He’s not testing well with the millenials. Maybe we should’ve put him after Leviticus?”

    To make sense out of this koo-koo Christ-a-thon, here comes (the surprisingly faithful, yet NOT repentant) 99 Cent Whore, who asks “What ELSE can we expect primetime TV to do to Jesus this month?” And (perhaps more importantly) “DID Jesus invent jelly beans?  And grow his own Easter grass?”

    Let’s see, well, they’ve already taken all the really GOOD gerunds: Finding, Killing, Continuing… Hey, how ’bout “Waxing?”   Yeah, that could work. “Waxing Jesus.”  Nah…

    “Auditing Jesus?”  Too edgy. (I mean, crucifixion was bad enough.  Surely God the Father would never make his only son go through THAT kind of hell.)

    “Refrigerating Jesus!” (Because unlike Half & Half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”)

    Easter TV Specials: Refrigerating Jesus?

    Refrigerating Jesus: Unlike half n half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”

    Easter TV Specials where the Christian version of the Wailing Wall looks something like this.

    The Christian version of The Wailing Wall.

    The Christian Version of theWailing Wall >>>>>

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Easter TV Specials- the gospel according to a humble whore.

    S/he who is without cable, cast the first stone.

    *Editor’s Note: I was surprised to learn that Facebook refused to let the video at the top of this post purchase a “boost” (basically an ad) on their website because they deemed it… 

    “Doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening, or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people.” 

    This really boggles my (the editor’s) mind and reaffirms my (editorial) belief that corporate America IS the Summer home of Satan. Nowhere in this video does the “whore” curse or use foul language of ANY kind.  And the only nudity is from the shoulders up. There are NO sexual acts portrayed, re-enacted or even MENTIONED (though Anderson Cooper DOES get a kiss on the cheek).

    And the tv shows referred to are actual, respected “family friendly,” faith-based cable shows. It must be the word “WHORE” itself that repels corporate social media’s moral police. This is ESPECIALLY interesting when you consider the fact that the Catholic Church itself was guilty of calling Mary Magdalene the “W” word  for centuries before it finally recanted its smear campaign against her in the 1960s. And so, I put this question to the authors of THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK:

    Okay here’s your question, Facebook… Ready? According to the writers of the New Testament, out of allllll his disciples, to whom did Jesus appear FIRST after he “resurrected.” Go on, guess…  (Show all work…) Pencils down!  Time’s up!

    Yup.

    The “whore.”

  • February12th

    Ohhhhh, Maynard!

    They Don’t Write Em Like That Anymore… Hop In My “Valen-Time Machine” to the 1920s! | 99 Cent Whore.

    There just ain’t nothin’ as sweet/sad as this bunch of old, used Valentines Day Cards I bought on Ebay from the 1920s & 30s… written by little boys and girls with names  like Henrietta, Hortense, and Maynard, all lookin’ to hook up.

    They’re sweet cuz they’re all so rosy-cheeked and innocent.  And sad cuz they’re all probably dead by now.  Like… DAYYYYY-UD dead.

    repurposed hearts- under a buck each.

    Well, at least they HAD a Valentine. I’m alive, sure enough, but with nary a sweetheart to be found.  So if y’all don’t mind, I’m gonna git in my science fiction Valen-Time Machine and git to smoochin with Maynard. That boy sure do know how to… well, I ain’t gonna sci-fi kiss & tell.

    (HINT: YOU’LL GET TO SEE A TON MORE OF THESE AWESOME RELICS IF YOU CLICK ON THE LINK AT THE TOP OF THIS POST – “THEY DON’T WRITE EM LIKE THAT ANYMORE”)

  • April19th

    In 99 Cent Whore’s beloved Easter special, you’ll learn the origin of many Easter and Passover traditions. And keep watching, because you don’t want to miss her special Easter song she sings to Jesus (it starts at minute 1:29). One of the most beloved easter songs on youtube- you’ll be sure to make it a family tradition!

    You can even sing along- the lyrics are below… (and if you are allergic to video- click here to play the song only):

    HAPPY EASTER JESUS (“Pasqua Felice”)

    easter songs youtube

    Jesus is risen (he is risen) so our prices are staying low (just 99 cents).

    Jesus is risen (Christ is risen!) so all our Easter stuff has to go.

    All our sins are forgiven (like murder & stealing) so jellybeans are just 59 cents.

    Because Christ is risen,

    (Christ is risen!) get your Easter grass cheap and smoke it while you repent.

    Chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies have never been crucified and left to die, but they taste awful good (Mmm!)

    I wish that I could give some to Jesus when he was crucified and left to die on that old cross of wood. It would have done him some good.

    So Happy Easter to you Jesus. You deserve a basket filled with Easter grasses and Peeps®, Marshmallow Peeps®. We all say “Muchos Gracias!” (Muchos Gracias!) 4 getting up on that cross. You’re the bomb! You’re the boss! Pasqua Felice. Pasqua Felice. And Peeps®.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #easter songs youtube

  • February25th

    AZ fast food workerIn AZ, Christian Business Owners Publish 1st Ever “Right To Refuse Service” Employee Training Manual!

    Dear Arizona– What I want to know is how the hell you’re gonna determine who is gay and who isn’t.  What’s the litmus test?  Will you ask your (potential) customers what their sexual preference is before handing them that turkey club?

    would u like those fries sodomized?  AZ Christian business owners against gays

    U want those fries sodomized? AZ Christian business owners struggle with the abomination known as tolerance

    When the haters  of the 50s & 60s  discriminated against African-Americans, at least they could be almost certain that they were discriminating against the correct “target” of their hatred. But in this case?  

    Anyway, my hat is off to you business-owners if you are fully-prepared to make your customers prove their homosexuality before serving them.  I doubt you’ll actually follow through with it, but here’s how I like to imagine this shit going down (pun intended):

    Male Customer W/Good Abs:    Yeah, hey.  I’ll have the chef salad and a large bottled water, please.

    AZ Clerk:     (thought bubble) Hmmm… he has good abs.  And all his teeth.  And clean hair.  And that’s a pretty sharp outfit.  ah HA! Cock-sucker!

    AZ Clerk: (spoken) Sir, I’m afraid it is against my faith to serve you this chef salad on account of your obvious homosexuality, which is an abomination.  

    Male Customer w/Good Abs:  Um… I’m not… gay.

    AZ Clerk: Ha ha ha (not gay).  NOT GAY??? Like hell you’re n– Hey everybody!  This fruit here says he’s not gay!  Well, sir… to that I say “Prove it!”  

    Male Customer w/Good Abs: That’s ridiculous.  Look, can I just get my salad?

    AZ Clerk: Suck my cock!  

    Male Customer w/Good Abs: Wh–at?

    AZ Clerk: You heard me!  I said suck my cock!  Don’t act like that’s not what you want.  Or maybe you’re what I heard tell they call a “top.”  Is THAT it?  Well, if you want that super-faggy chef salad so bad then you’ll have to go through my butt-hole to git it!  If you enjoy having gay sex with me, then I am not gonna serve you- not now and not never again. But if you HATE having gay sex with me in front of all these good Christian folks in line here, then I will serve you that super faggy commie chef salad annnnnd throw in a slice of hot apple pie!  

    (Drops his jeans to his ankles, bends over)

    AZ Clerk: Go on, now!  Do it!  (BEAT. ) That hot apple pie in my butt hole is gittin cold now!  (LONG BEAT.  A child cries.)  Sir?  Sir?

    IF THERE’S ANY DOUBT LEFT IN THE MINDS OF AZ BUSINESS OWNERS ON HOW THEY SHOULD TRAIN THEIR EMPLOYEES TO HANDLE SUCH A DELICATE SITUATION, HERE IS A TRAINING VIDEO WHICH MAY BE OF SOME HELP.  FROM ARTIE LANGE’S “BEER LEAGUE.”  I’M IN IT TOO.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

    Click the big blue link below to read some really INTELLIGENT, RATIONAL writing on the Southern Poverty Law Center website.

    Arizona’s right-to-refuse-service agenda is as wrong as Jim Crow | Southern Poverty Law Center.

    LAST BUT NOT LEAST:  You MUST watch this short interview by CNN’s Miguel Marquez (incidentally, he’s dreamy, but that’s not the point) that was on super-awesome Erin Burnett’s “Out Front” last night.  He asks this AZ business owner who runs a Christian business networking website if she’d permit gays after she says it’s basically a non-issue to her.  Wait til you see what happened.  It’s perfect.

  • October5th

    Birdsong is an actress who prides herself on playing characters who express all the colors of the slutty, drunk, bitchy rainbow.

    Birdsong is an actress who prides herself on playing characters who express all the colors of the slutty, drunk, bitchy rainbow.

    Some have accused me of only playing drunks, sluts &

    beeyotches. I plead guilty. I have an (admittedly) narrow

    range of prototypes in my repertoire. But my RANGE of

    sluts, drunks, & beeyotches is what I am most proud of-

    expressing all the colors of the slutty, drunk,

    bitchy rainbow!

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