Mary Birdsong


“The odds of Elvis Presley crash-landing a UFO into the head of the Loch Ness monster are 14 million to one, according to a British betting agency.”*

Oh, really, British betting agency? You think so? Well, whaddya have to say about it now that you’ve seen THIS!?!

HA! IRREFUTABLE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of the very thing you said was soooooo impossible.

Buh-Bam! Snapped it with Nessie-matic Presley-cam I happened to have on me that day. Good thing I’d just loaded it with film made out of tin foil that the little grey guys showed me how to make.

Oh, wait… I forgot. That’s IMPOSSIBLE, right? That couldn’t have happened because those little grey guys don’t exist, right? And there’s no such thing as tin foil film, right? Yeah, okay. Whatevs, British betting agency. Tell that to Polaroid.

The little grey guys say “whatevs” like, allll the time, by the way.

I’m still waiting for you betting agency “authorities” to refute the amazing evidence I managed to capture on my Nessie-cam.  Why so silent? Why no witty, scientific, UK k-k-omebacks? What’s the matter, British betting agency? Did you burn your Debbie Downer tongues on all of that fancy-pants British tea you all love to drink so much?! So you can’t speak?

Well just send your best British scientists down to Nessie’s Loch and I will place hard evidence into your soft hands– a geunine hunk-a hunk-a burnin’ love that happened to fall out of Elvis’ blue, blue, blue suede spacecraft as he took off.  Put it under your most powerful microscopes. Submit it to your most rigorous tests.  You will not be able to deny that one can clearly see the face of Jesus (Willem Dafoe’s version) in Elvis’ belt buckle.

I believe I have made my case.  So now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I have some microchips I need to remove from my rectum.

Verrrrry carefully.

* as quoted in Rob Brezsny’s book “Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia”

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