Mary Birdsong


Oh, to be British!


We’re British. We’re Stuffy. We Rock.

Ever get the urge to just walk into your local bodega and ask for a bagel with cream cheese, but in a voice totally NOT your own?  Just to see if they buy it?

No?                Just me?         Oh.                               Wellllll, if you haven’t tried being British, you’re really missing out on some jolly good fun. And it’s FREE! (Except… yeah, you might have to buy that bagel.  Still, well worth it!) 

tea time!

The Brits (and I) do love our tea! (But everything in moderation, my dears.)

ACHTUNG!  AVISO! (Warning) 

(DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO THIS AROUND ANY ACTUAL BRITS.  THEY’LL JUST FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.)  But if the coast is clear, go for it.  The next time there’s nothing on TV and you broke the internet again and someone stole your X-Box, your Wii and all your poker chips, and you don’t have any good books, and there’s no one to make-out with, try making your own zany fun. It’s easy!

Just walk into your nearest Rite-Aid or CVS or 99 Cent Store  and say to a sales clerk in the crustiest, snootiest, British accent you can manage, “I beg your pardon, madam.  In what aisle of this establishment might I find a good douche?  One that rrrrrrreally flushes all the ‘riff-raff’ out of the old ‘eery’ canal, if you will.”   (If you ask for Grey Poupon they’ll just call you a hack and walk away.  Trust me.  Go with the douche option.  Much funnier, and they won’t see it coming. Plus, you asked them a perfectly reasonable question, so they’ll have to actually show you where the douches are.  If you have the balls to do this (again- in the voice I have recorded in the track below) hit me back with a comment to let me know how they responded. Or better yet- record the whole thing!

"I like it ruff."  -- Mary Birdsong  (Only 8 people will get that joke.  They will all be over 30.)

“I like it ruff.” — Mary Birdsong (Only 8 people will get that joke. They will all be over 30.)


  • Comment by Jim Donovan — April 4, 2013 @ 8:16 pm

    still a friend, still a fan

  • Comment by Brian Pearson — April 4, 2013 @ 9:40 pm

    sounds like cloudy with meatballs.

  • Comment by Mary Birdsong — April 4, 2013 @ 9:43 pm

    always, jim!

  • Comment by Mary Birdsong — April 4, 2013 @ 9:43 pm

    i have no idea what that means, brian, but thank you! 🙂

  • Comment by Suzi — April 5, 2013 @ 11:01 am

    I couldn’t get it to play, but I read it sounding like the Grey Poupon guy. Oh, please don’t dare Jessica…You know she will do it!

  • Comment by 99centwhore — March 24, 2015 @ 10:23 pm

    ha ha ha!!! if she HASN’T done it yet i’m gonna have to have a talk with that girl. 🙂

  • Comment by 99centwhore — March 24, 2015 @ 10:24 pm

    that’s a good thing, right? i have not SEEN the meatballs nor have i heard the meatballs.

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