Mary Birdsong

April2nd

Well, whaddayaknow… #BibleAMovie is trending.  Does this mean, then, that Jesus is now more popular than Kim Kardashian? Ponder this, and other deep theological mysteries as you watch this 99 Cent Whore Easter Special, in which she explains the REAL meaning of Easter. (For example- did you know that Jesus INVENTED jellybeans?) Now, praise Jesus and pass the peanut butter eggs!                                And in last year’s Easter Special, the 99 Cent Whore even wrote a special Easter song! Watch:

Easter Specials- Jesus offers John Lennon some bread.

Annnhhh haaa- Eat it, John!

I’m sure before long #BibleATVShow will be trending too. There’s certainly a slew of new Jesus-filled Easter TV specials out now (mostly mini-series). It’s become a pre-resurrection ratings-race.  You’ve got yourFinding Jesus on CNN; and once they find him, it’s time for Killing Jesus on Nat Geo; and once they’ve killed him, it’s time for resurrecting him – A.D. The Bible Continues on NBC (which, let’s be honest, may as well be called Rating Jesus.”)  And though it isn’t technically a mini-series (so it’s… what, a maxi-series I guess?) I feel it my duty to mention Black Jesus (cue the wah-wah pedal, my brothuh from another (virgin) muthuh!).

Easter TV Specials- oh, if only Adult Swim would make a mini-series for THIS Jesus!

Closest to the real deal.

For my money, Black Jesus comes the closest to depicting what Jesus was probably like back in the day- he hangs with criminals, potheads, sinners, does good deeds where good deeds really COUNT.

Verily I say unto thee, before the peacock network crows, you shall DVR my Easter TV Specials in three time zones!

Easter TV Specials.

He’s not testing well with the millenials. Maybe we should’ve put him after Leviticus?”

To make sense out of this koo-koo Christ-a-thon, here comes (the surprisingly faithful, yet NOT repentant) 99 Cent Whore, who asks “What ELSE can we expect primetime TV to do to Jesus this month?” And (perhaps more importantly) “DID Jesus invent jelly beans?  And grow his own Easter grass?”

Let’s see, well, they’ve already taken all the really GOOD gerunds: Finding, Killing, Continuing… Hey, how ’bout “Waxing?”   Yeah, that could work. “Waxing Jesus.”  Nah…

“Auditing Jesus?”  Too edgy. (I mean, crucifixion was bad enough.  Surely God the Father would never make his only son go through THAT kind of hell.)

“Refrigerating Jesus!” (Because unlike Half & Half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”)

Easter TV Specials: Refrigerating Jesus?

Refrigerating Jesus: Unlike half n half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”

Easter TV Specials where the Christian version of the Wailing Wall looks something like this.

The Christian version of The Wailing Wall.

The Christian Version of theWailing Wall >>>>>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Easter TV Specials- the gospel according to a humble whore.

S/he who is without cable, cast the first stone.

*Editor’s Note: I was surprised to learn that Facebook refused to let the video at the top of this post purchase a “boost” (basically an ad) on their website because they deemed it… 

“Doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening, or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people.” 

This really boggles my (the editor’s) mind and reaffirms my (editorial) belief that corporate America IS the Summer home of Satan. Nowhere in this video does the “whore” curse or use foul language of ANY kind.  And the only nudity is from the shoulders up. There are NO sexual acts portrayed, re-enacted or even MENTIONED (though Anderson Cooper DOES get a kiss on the cheek).

And the tv shows referred to are actual, respected “family friendly,” faith-based cable shows. It must be the word “WHORE” itself that repels corporate social media’s moral police. This is ESPECIALLY interesting when you consider the fact that the Catholic Church itself was guilty of calling Mary Magdalene the “W” word  for centuries before it finally recanted its smear campaign against her in the 1960s. And so, I put this question to the authors of THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK:

Okay here’s your question, Facebook… Ready? According to the writers of the New Testament, out of allllll his disciples, to whom did Jesus appear FIRST after he “resurrected.” Go on, guess…  (Show all work…) Pencils down!  Time’s up!

Yup.

The “whore.”

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