Mary Birdsong

November9th

Time To Bare the Ass-Crack (But NOT If I’m Off-Duty!)

Posted in: Comedy, humor, Personal, sketch comedy, tv, Web Series

I can’t watch sitcoms.

They make me tense (er).

Lots of people have trouble understanding this. So let me explain: If i watch TV shows in which I could potentially be cast, it makes me feel like I’m…

A plumber.

A plumber who (at the end of a long day of fixing pipes and baring my ass-crack for pay) goes home to relax… by fixing some pipes and baring my ass-crack for free.

Or better yet- watching a TV show that is populated with nothing but other plumbers who all bid on the same job I did, only THEY got hired, and I didn’t.  Even though their bid came in higher than mine.

But it’s not really a problem.  It just means my TV viewing  is limited to the likes of Nova, AC360 (love that Anderson “super-duper” Cooper), or old movies in which all the stars are now… DEAD.  Oh, and I’m obsessed… (OB-SESSED!) with Ancient Aliens on H2, which used to be awesome, but now it’s just grasping at sci-fi straws.
You can acquire more Bitter Birdsong thoughts by checking out Bitter Party of 5 on Blip.TV!

Get more “Bitter Birdsong” on Bitter Party of 5 (on Blip.TV)!

But, dear reader, despite my crunchy, hard, bitter candy shell, I’m not ALLLLLL cranky-pants.  Allow me to share my creamy nougat center for a moment, will you?
Thanks.  Okay.  I’d like to go on record as saying that I actually DO ENJOY being a plumber, er… uh… an actress.  I’m incredibly lucky (and grateful) to be doing what I love for a living.  And to prove it, I’ll tell you where and when you can actually see it for your own eyes!
This Thanksgiving you can catch me on The Middle on ABC when my character Marlene makes a special appearance.  You may remember the touching episode when Norm MacDonald’s character met me while I was working in a tollbooth and married me 2 months later.
And for Christmastime viewing?  Tune in to Raising Hope on Fox, where Mayor Suzy Hellman is once again up to her old boozy tricks.  (No spoilers!)

I agree, kid. I’m GLAD I’m an actress and not a plumber.

 

When it comes right down to it, what’s the diff, really?  I mean,a crack is a crack is a crack.  A crack by any other name would still smell as… Look, at least I’m not smoking it!  We’re all just tryin’ to earn a buck, here, right?When it comes right down to it, what's the diff, really? (P.S. I don't know WTF I did that week, but my boobs have NEVER been that big. Yay, bloating!)

(P.S. I don’t know WHAT-the-F I ate that day, but my boobs have NEVER been that big- not before or since. Maybe sodium IS my friend????  Yay, bloating an be used for GOOD!)

2 Comments

  • Comment by Schmoker — November 11, 2013 @ 10:03 am

    I think sometimes I forget how nebulous and fleeting success is in your business, Mary, and how little security comes along with it. To me, you are everywhere. To you, I would imagine, you are spending a lot of time wondering if this job is the last job. And then what comes next?

    Don’t ever feel ungrateful just because you have some very human concerns about life. Don’t ever apologize for it. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.

  • Comment by Jerome — August 24, 2016 @ 5:54 pm

    Hey girl!What it be like? (My attempt at some ghetto slang)-

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