Mary Birdsong


Do you often feel like everyone around you is wearing awesome, light blue O.P. corduroy surfing shorts they bought full price at the Surf Unlimited clothing shop but you’re stuck wearing ugly, eggplant-colored Toughskin® jeans from Sears that were your sister’s last year?  And even worse- your mom didn’t even buy them at SEARS!  She got ’em at the Southern Ocean County Hospital’s “Old and New” Thrift Shop!  (I’m talkin’ back in the day when thrift shops weren’t “cool” so much as they were a close cousin to that skeevy adult book store near the highschool)?


Just me?

Yeah, well…. um, anyways…

I NEVER feel like that ANYMORE! Why?  Cuz I learned how to deal with low self-esteem and crippling social anxiety by following the advice of my good friend, the 99 Cent Whore.  Whenever she feels insecure or afraid, she just sings a little song in her head that helps her pretend everybody in the room wants to f*** her.  🙂 It changes her gloomy disposition  just as quick as ya please!  You might say it’s HER version of…

It’s that easy!  So the next time you feel like not-so-tough loser in Toughskin® Jeans, just sing “Everybody In This Room Wants to F*** Me Right Now!”

"The Old & New Shop," Manahawkin, NJ.: South Jersey "Frock Star?"   Or bargain-shopping bin of hand-me-down shame?" It's a (not so) fine line.  The Ocean County line to be exact.
The Old & New Shop,” Manahawkin, NJ.:
South Jersey “Frock Star?” Or bargain-shopping bin of hand-me-down shame?” It’s a (not so) fine line. The Ocean County line to be exact.


  • Comment by John gross — April 3, 2013 @ 9:47 pm

    I just Fucking Love you Mary

  • Comment by Mary Birdsong — April 3, 2013 @ 10:08 pm

    back atcha mr. gross. your store in those years was like saks fifth avenue to me! 🙂

  • Comment by 99centwhore — April 3, 2013 @ 10:09 pm


  • Comment by billy bob — January 22, 2015 @ 11:09 am

    I think You are so cute that I could just eat the bottoms of Your feet for a week just to see You laugh out loud !
    Thank You for all the chuckles !

  • Comment by Mary Birdsong — April 7, 2015 @ 9:02 pm

    i can’t believe it took me two years to see this!! you are the sweetest, thanks billy bob!

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