Mary Birdsong

March16th

Not a lot of people know that the 99 Cent Whore is a PASSIONATE supporter of our brand new, shiny, barely-out-of-the-wrapper-Pope…

His Holiness Pope Francis

I'll have the 99 Cent Special.

I’ll have the 99 Cent Special.

One of the reasons she likes him so much is his humility, but it was something he said an important speech that really sealed the deal for her. True to his humble, Jesuit roots, Pope Francis reminded his congregation and fellow clergy to refrain from judging the poor, the sickly, and those pitiable weak souls who fall victim to their own sinful natures:

“Don’t forget that Jesus bathed lepers and ate with prostitutes     

                                                                    — Pope Francis

When he said those inspired words, it was all our friend the 99 Cent Whore could do to refrain from rushing the podium and giving him a big fat 99 cent KISS!  Thinking that her public display of affection might be misconstrued, she decided to invite His Holiness to lunch instead.

“You had me at ‘prostitutes!'”    — 99 Cent Whore

And here’s her informative and entertaining Easter Special, featuring her top 40 resurrection pop tune:

“Pasqua Felice and Peeps! (Happy Easter Jesus)

Sing along! 

Jesus is risen (he is risen) so our prices are staying low (just 99 cents). Jesus is risen (Christ is risen!) so all our Easter stuff has to go.

All our sins are forgiven (like murder & stealing) so jellybeans are just 59 cents. Because Christ is risen, (Christ is risen!)

Get your Easter grass cheap and smoke it while you repent.  

Chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies have never been crucified and left to die. But they taste awful good (Mmm!)  

I wish that I could give some to Jesus when he  was crucified and left to die on that old cross of wood.  It would have done him some good.  

So Happy Easter to you Jesus. You deserve a basket filled with Easter grasses and Peeps®, marshmallow Peeps®. 

We all say “Muchos Gracias!” (Muchos Gracias!) for getting up on that cross.  You’re the bomb! You’re the boss!

Pasqua Felice. Pasqua Felice. And Peeps®.

Thank you, Easter Bunny!  Bawk, bawk!

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