80 % OF FEELIN’ GOOD IS… NOT LOOKIN’ AT DUDES ON INFOMERCIALS WHO SAY THEY’RE FEELIN’ GOOD CUZ THEY’RE LOOKIN’ GOOD.
My irrational hatred of the “5 Hour Energy” guy (pictured at right) has vanished! Used to be that if I were in another room and he came on the TV, his voice irritated me so much that I’d run into the living room as fast as I could & turn the sound off. But now? Now I feel nothing but loving compassion for the guy. I find myself wondering what he’s doing these days, and fantasize that he’s doing Shakespeare in some packed outdoor amphitheater to critical acclaim, or playing a villain on some soap opera making huge amounts of cash. All of my new-found sisterly love for my 5-Hour friend gave me great hope! Maybe, I thought, just maybe this means I’m becoming a better person! Maybe whatever happened to the Grinch on that Who-ville mountaintop on Christmas Day was happening to ME!
Sadly, my hatred hadn’t really disappeared. It simply shifted it’s focus…
TO THIS MAN:
“I mean, 80% of feelin’ good is lookin’ good.”
–– Hair Club For Men’s Kenny Rogers-lookin’ spokes-dude
Really, Kenny Rogers-lookin’ spokesdude? Is it? Is it that easy?
He states this “fact” as if it were a philosophy he garnered from ancient scrolls by Aristotle, Plato, and Sir Isaac Newton. Who knows? Maybe Kenny is right. But just to be sure, I’d like to see him back up his controversial claim by undergoing rigorous scientific testing– double-blind clinical trials that could verify his findings. My prediction? If his formula for feeling good is correct, then I predict that a crackerjack team of psychiatrists and microexpression experts will determine beyond the shadow of a doubt that this man is “feelin'” (at most) 20% good. Further, I predict that they will attribute his pathological disregard for the letter “g” in all of his gerund usage to the very hair plugs he felt were the key to his “feelin’ good-ness.”