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Posted in: 99 Cent Whore, Comedy, Faith, Film, Funny Politics, humor, Personal, Politics, Religion & Spirituality
In AZ, Christian Business Owners Publish 1st Ever “Right To Refuse Service” Employee Training Manual!
Dear Arizona- What I want to know is how the hell you’re gonna determine who is gay and who isn’t. What’s the litmus test? Will you ask your (potential) customers what their sexual preference is before handing them that turkey club?
When the haters of the 50s & 60s discriminated against African-Americans, at least they could be almost certain that they were discriminating against the correct “target” of their hatred. But in this case?
Anyway, my hat is off to you business-owners if you are fully-prepared to make your customers prove their homosexuality before serving them. I doubt you’ll actually follow through with it, but here’s how I like to imagine this shit going down (pun intended):
Male Customer W/Good Abs: Yeah, hey. I’ll have the chef salad and a large bottled water, please.
AZ Clerk: (thought bubble) Hmmm… he has good abs. And all his teeth. And clean hair. And that’s a pretty sharp outfit. ah HA! Cock-sucker!
AZ Clerk: (spoken) Sir, I’m afraid it is against my faith to serve you this chef salad on account of your obvious homosexuality, which is an abomination.
Male Customer w/Good Abs: Um… I’m not… gay.
AZ Clerk: Ha ha ha (not gay). NOT GAY??? Like hell you’re n– Hey everybody! This fruit here says he’s not gay! Well, sir… to that I say “Prove it!”
Male Customer w/Good Abs: That’s ridiculous. Look, can I just get my salad?
AZ Clerk: Suck my cock!
Male Customer w/Good Abs: Wh–at?
AZ Clerk: You heard me! I said suck my cock! Don’t act like that’s not what you want. Or maybe you’re what I heard tell they call a “top.” Is THAT it? Well, if you want that super-faggy chef salad so bad then you’ll have to go through my butt-hole to git it! If you enjoy having gay sex with me, then I am not gonna serve you- not now and not never again. But if you HATE having gay sex with me in front of all these good Christian folks in line here, then I will serve you that super faggy commie chef salad annnnnd throw in a slice of hot apple pie!
(Drops his jeans to his ankles, bends over)
AZ Clerk: Go on, now! Do it! (BEAT. ) That hot apple pie in my butt hole is gittin cold now! (LONG BEAT. A child cries.) Sir? Sir?
IF THERE’S ANY DOUBT LEFT IN THE MINDS OF AZ BUSINESS OWNERS ON HOW THEY SHOULD TRAIN THEIR EMPLOYEES TO HANDLE SUCH A DELICATE SITUATION, HERE IS A TRAINING VIDEO WHICH MAY BE OF SOME HELP. FROM ARTIE LANGE’S “BEER LEAGUE.” I’M IN IT TOO. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Click the big blue link below to read some really INTELLIGENT, RATIONAL writing on the Southern Poverty Law Center website.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You MUST watch this short interview by CNN’s Miguel Marquez (incidentally, he’s dreamy, but that’s not the point) that was on super-awesome Erin Burnett’s “Out Front” last night. He asks this AZ business owner who runs a Christian business networking website if she’d permit gays after she says it’s basically a non-issue to her. Wait til you see what happened. It’s perfect.
Clive Owen (left) as a sharp-dressed surgeon-man in Cinemax’s forthcoming 10-episode series, THE KNICK. I, too, get to be in this deliciousness. (And no- not as a cadaver. Clive does NOT perform an appendectomy on me. I get to talk and everything). What’s that, you say? You thought Soderbergh retired? Au contraire, dear reader. According to Entertainment Weekly, Steven Soderbergh’s “retirement” home is turning out to be cable television.
The Behind the Candelabra director is working with Cinemax on The Knick, a period medical drama set in 1900 New York City. Clive Owen, who has his own cable bona fides from starring in HBO’s Hemingway & Gellhorn, plays a surgeon at Knickerbocker Hospital in the gruesome days before antibiotics and modern medicine. (Check out the awesome set photos from Manhattan’s Lower East Side.) Think of it as Gangs of New York meets ER — though I suspect Owen’s doc might have a slightly lower rescue-rate than Doug Ross.
Soderbergh is directing the 10-episode series, which will debut on Cinemax this summer. Click below to see the exclusive first teaser, which seems to depict the doctors as butchers… serial killers even. Which… perhaps they sort of were.
Posted in: Comedy, dating, humor, Valentine's Day
This is (obviously) a SUPER-GROSS BILLBOARD
for the HALLMARK channel’s movie of the week*
I drove by it the other day and I was really grossed out by it. So grossed out, in fact, that a cop pulled me over!
Cop: Ma’am, do you realize how cynically you were driving just now?
Cop: You were also in a no vomiting lane.
Me: I’m sorry sir…..
Me: Are you single, sir?
So this V-Day, drive carefully, won’t you? Eyes on the road. Not on smiling ladies swinging from trees on giant engagement rings. As the no texting campaign so aptly put it, “It can wait.”
*In show biz, people are all really important and don’t have time to say big long phrases like movie…of…the….weeeeek. They say “m.o.w.” instead. (If this insider information gets you laid at your next Hollywood cocktail party, please let me know!)
Remember those cute little cut-out cards we used to exchange on Valentine’s Day in elementary school? Well they still exist on eBay. And they’re not expensive at all. I even found cards that dated back to the 1910s! Some of them still had the names of the giver and the receiver on them.. names like Lilac and Henry, Bertha and Reginald! The older the cards were, the more delicate and ornate they got. Some of them were just so beautiful I can’t even bear to part with them. The Valentines Day gift bags below are some that I made up as an “office” gift, but I think they’d work for any age or gender.
Super easy. Super fun. Super fast. Paper lunch bags from RiteAid, old-school wooden clothespins from the 99 Cent Store, & vintage Valentines cards (60s/70s) purchased on eBay! Fill with whatever goodies your heart so desires.