Mary Birdsong
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  • March24th

    Oh, to be British!

    BRITISH.  STUFFY.  WE ROCK.

    We’re British. We’re Stuffy. We Rock.

    Ever get the urge to just walk into your local bodega and ask for a bagel with cream cheese, but in a voice totally NOT your own?  Just to see if they buy it?

    No?                Just me?         Oh.                               Wellllll, if you haven’t tried being British, you’re really missing out on some jolly good fun. And it’s FREE! (Except… yeah, you might have to buy that bagel.  Still, well worth it!) 

    tea time!

    The Brits (and I) do love our tea! (But everything in moderation, my dears.)

    ACHTUNG!  AVISO! (Warning) 

    (DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO THIS AROUND ANY ACTUAL BRITS.  THEY’LL JUST FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.)  But if the coast is clear, go for it.  The next time there’s nothing on TV and you broke the internet again and someone stole your X-Box, your Wii and all your poker chips, and you don’t have any good books, and there’s no one to make-out with, try making your own zany fun. It’s easy!

    Just walk into your nearest Rite-Aid or CVS or 99 Cent Store  and say to a sales clerk in the crustiest, snootiest, British accent you can manage, “I beg your pardon, madam.  In what aisle of this establishment might I find a good douche?  One that rrrrrrreally flushes all the ‘riff-raff’ out of the old ‘eery’ canal, if you will.”   (If you ask for Grey Poupon they’ll just call you a hack and walk away.  Trust me.  Go with the douche option.  Much funnier, and they won’t see it coming. Plus, you asked them a perfectly reasonable question, so they’ll have to actually show you where the douches are.  If you have the balls to do this (again- in the voice I have recorded in the track below) hit me back with a comment to let me know how they responded. Or better yet- record the whole thing!

    "I like it ruff."  -- Mary Birdsong  (Only 8 people will get that joke.  They will all be over 30.)

    “I like it ruff.” — Mary Birdsong (Only 8 people will get that joke. They will all be over 30.)

  • March18th

    I hope you enjoy sweet 99 Cent Whore’s somewhat misguided (yet surprisingly family-friendly) explanation of the REAL meaning of Easter. Now, praise Jesus and pass the peanut butter eggs! 

    If ya can’t beat ‘em, and ya can’t crucify ‘em, ya may as well join ‘em.

    Easter Specials- Jesus offers John Lennon some bread.

    Annnhhh haaa- Eat it, John!

    There’s a slew of new Jesus-filled Easter TV specials out now (mostly mini-series) for the pre-resurrection ratings-race.  You’ve got yourFinding Jesus on CNN; and once they find him, it’s time for Killing Jesus on Nat Geo; and once they’ve killed him, it’s time for resurrecting him – A.D. The Bible Continues on NBC (which, let’s be honest, may as well be called Rating Jesus.”)  And though it isn’t technically a mini-series (so it’s… what, a maxi-series I guess?) I feel it my duty to mention Black Jesus (cue the wah-wah pedal, my brothuh from another (virgin) muthuh!).

    Easter TV Specials- oh, if only Adult Swim would make a mini-series for THIS Jesus!

    Closest to the real deal.

    For my money, Black Jesus comes the closest to depicting what Jesus was probably like back in the day- he hangs with criminals, potheads, sinners, does good deeds where good deeds really COUNT.

    Verily I say unto thee, before the peacock network crows, you shall DVR my Easter TV Specials in three time zones!

    Easter TV Specials.

    He’s not testing well with the millenials. Maybe we should’ve put him after Leviticus?”

    To make sense out of this koo-koo Christ-a-thon, here comes (the surprisingly faithful, yet NOT repentant) 99 Cent Whore, who asks “What ELSE can we expect primetime TV to do to Jesus this month?” And (perhaps more importantly) “DID Jesus invent jelly beans?  And grow his own Easter grass?”

    Let’s see, well, they’ve already taken all the really GOOD gerunds: Finding, Killing, Continuing… Hey, how ’bout “Waxing?”   Yeah, that could work. “Waxing Jesus.”  Nah…

    “Auditing Jesus?”  Too edgy. (I mean, crucifixion was bad enough.  Surely God the Father would never make his only son go through THAT kind of hell.)

    “Refrigerating Jesus!” (Because unlike Half & Half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”)

    Easter TV Specials: Refrigerating Jesus?

    Refrigerating Jesus: Unlike half n half, Jesus NEVER “goes bad!”

    Easter TV Specials where the Christian version of the Wailing Wall looks something like this.

    The Christian version of The Wailing Wall.

    The Christian Version of theWailing Wall >>>>>

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Easter TV Specials- the gospel according to a humble whore.

    S/he who is without cable, cast the first stone.

    *Editor’s Note: I was surprised to learn that Facebook refused to let the video at the top of this post purchase a “boost” (basically an ad) on their website because they deemed it… 

    “Doesn’t follow Facebook’s Advertising Guidelines for language that is profane, vulgar, threatening, or generates high negative feedback. Ads can’t use language that insults, harasses or demeans people.” 

    This really boggles my (the editor’s) mind and reaffirms my (editorial) belief that corporate America IS the Summer home of Satan.
    Nowhere in this video does the “whore” curse or use foul language of ANY kind.  And the only nudity is from the shoulders up. There are NO sexual acts portrayed, re-enacted or even MENTIONED (though Anderson Cooper DOES get a kiss on the cheek).
    And the tv shows referred to are actual, respected “family friendly,” faith-based cable shows. It must be the word “WHORE” itself that repels corporate social media’s moral police. This is ESPECIALLY interesting when you consider the fact that the Catholic Church itself was guilty of calling Mary Magdalene the “W” word  for centuries before it finally recanted its smear campaign against her in the 1960s. And so, I put this question to the authors of THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK:
    Okay here’s your question, Facebook… Ready? According to the writers of the New Testament, out of allllll his disciples, to whom did Jesus appear FIRST after he “resurrected.” Go on, guess…  (Show all work…) Pencils down!  Time’s up!

    Yup.

    The “whore.”

  • March6th

    ▶ Mary Birdsong in The Knick – YouTubeThink race relations are bad NOW? Try 1900: When I say the N word. On TV. In a show that begins w/a K.  HAVE things gotten better?  Or are people just better at hiding the racist within? Shooting the race riot scene made me feel like I was playing the stunt-woman in the hilarious cult hit of the 1970s- “Kentucky Fried Movie.” Only this wasn’t supposed to be funny.

    I always wanted to do my own stunts.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • February27th

    oscars-dress-stolen-1

  • February12th

    Ohhhhh, Maynard!

    They Don’t Write Em Like That Anymore… Hop In My “Valen-Time Machine” to the 1920s! | 99 Cent Whore.

    There just ain’t nothin’ as sweet/sad as this bunch of old, used Valentines Day Cards I bought on Ebay from the 1920s & 30s… written by little boys and girls with names  like Henrietta, Hortense, and Maynard, all lookin’ to hook up.

    They’re sweet cuz they’re all so rosy-cheeked and innocent.  And sad cuz they’re all probably dead by now.  Like… DAYYYYY-UD dead.

    repurposed hearts- under a buck each.

    Well, at least they HAD a Valentine. I’m alive, sure enough, but with nary a sweetheart to be found.  So if y’all don’t mind, I’m gonna git in my science fiction Valen-Time Machine and git to smoochin with Maynard. That boy sure do know how to… well, I ain’t gonna sci-fi kiss & tell.

    (HINT: YOU’LL GET TO SEE A TON MORE OF THESE AWESOME RELICS IF YOU CLICK ON THE LINK AT THE TOP OF THIS POST – “THEY DON’T WRITE EM LIKE THAT ANYMORE”)

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