(Because okra’s gross. But Oprah’s not. And if ANYONE can give this slimy, Cajun-cooked freak a TV-ready makeover, it’s Oprah. Here’s my killer idea for the world’s worst cooking show.)
There’s okra. And there’s Oprah. And you’d get to meet both!
It’s perfect for the FOOD NETWORK (or O.W.N.- not sure which). Maybe it’ll be one of those new-fangled shows that are simulcast on two channels at once! Okay, so the concept is simple- Every episode, a Southern lady would makes a dish that includes meat, and a mushy, slimy vegetable that creeps me out (aka OKRA). Then Oprah comes out and eats it. Come on- it writes itself!Seriously, I really do hate okra, unless it’s in a gumbo or something, but this recipe for Ground Beef Chili with Stir-Fried Okra actually looks pretty good, and is very healthy. This nice lady at biscuitsandsuch.com seems to like okra a lot, so maybe I should re-think…
…those slimy little sci-fi lookin’ green sumbitches! Aaaaaghhhhhh!!!!!
CAPT. KIRK on PLANET OKRA
(Photo of Oprah, sans her adorbs okra accessories, courtesy of rolling out.com)
I was lucky enough to get to meet Joan Rivers once. In a little club in NYC. Here’s how it went:
This actually happened.
And before that I even got to share a stage with her- at New York City’s “Town Hall,” though I doubt we even spoke to each other the night at Town Hall. Benefits by their nature are always chaotic, and this one was no exception. There must have been at least ten drag performers, and… let me put it this way: Wallace Shawn played the butler. Okrrrr?
Wallace Shawn in Screen Door.
The Divine Charles Busch
Between the feathers, the false eyelashes, the wigs, and God knows WHAT else we were contending with that night, it’s a miracle someone snapped a picture of Joan and me together. (I so regret that they didn’t get CharlesBusch in this photo, though. He was one of the stars of the show, and he remains one of my big influences, right up there with Joan – a brilliant & hilarious man.)
At the time of my appearance on Conen O’Brien (see video below), I was performing in my first Broadway show with another great comic legend, Martin Short. I played many different characters, including Joan Rivers. I taped this interview in between performances of that Broadway run. And now I think I know why they call it a “run.”
Because on a two-show day, the moment I got my costume & wig off from the matinee performance, I was literally RUNNING, on foot, to Rockefeller Center (where Conen taped) from the theater (on 48th street I think). I got back just in time for that evening’s performance. I was in my 30s. But that little DIY, “heart stress-test” didn’t even come close to the kind of energy Joan Rivers was STILL putting out in her 80s.
By giving us allllll of HERSELF on stage (especially the nasty bits, which were some of her best) she gave a lot of people (women especially) the courage and the permission to be all of OURSELVES- both on stage and off. And of course… as is often the case with performers who play “mean and nasty” so well ON stage, she was very warm and very sweet OFF stage.
Thank you from the bottom of our nasty hearts, Joan Rivers, for all you gave. And gave. And gave…
Ohhhh, despair, thou art a cunning C-word! (Pssst! hey, if you like the creepy drawing above, you might also like the blog where I post my drawings of what I dream each night.) birdsongdreambook.com
Sure, we ALL DO! But in light of some very recent (and very tragic) headlines, can you blame us?
Nevertheless… being in despair is no fun. So if you’re in despair over the fact that you’re in despair, don’t despair! I think I’ve come up with something that COULD give us hope…
T H E H A S H T A G !
Helloooooo there, HASHsome.
Think of it- the humble hashtag is the poster child for the phrase “Don’t quit before the miracle.” Did this little tic-tac-toe wallflower even exist before 2006, when Twitter was invented? Yyyyyyeahhhh… I guess so. But she sat out almost every dance of all the cool, popular, tip-tap-typing fingers. Fingers who barely noticed her sitting on her numeral 3 key, fourth from the left.
“Oh, yeah! Hey, look- there she is! (What’s her name again? ‘Pound Sign?’ Yeesh! Who names their kid ‘Pound Sign??!’ Hippy parents I guess.
You know- she’s no ‘Forward Slash,’ I’ll grant you that, but she wouldn’t look half-bad if she’d maybe just… put on a little make-up? Some bronzer?
So there she sat… poor little Pound Sign- in her out-of-date dress in the top row of keys, (well, unless you count the “function” keys, which … I mean who does these days? No one in respectable circles, I can tell you THAT! )
Pre-2006, if we interacted with her at ALL it was (at best) using her for the occasional customer service voicemail system request. She’d stop by at the end and sort of seal the deal.
But the hashtagpost-2006? Hubba hubba! Everyone’s clamoring for her attention. And yet- she didn’t suddenly go blonde, or join a gym, or get fake boobs. I think she just stoppedcaring if she was cool or not.
And lo and behold… though she couldn’t get arrested before, NOW lookat her!
Hashtag Hannah (f/k/a “Patty Poundsign”)
Hold onto that thought tonight, dear reader. If your self-esteem is in the toilet and you’re feeling a little too invisible for your tastes? Hang on. Anything can happen. Just like that. Without you lifting a finger.
This blog post started out as a tweet. With a hashtag. If you liked this post, please go to the tweet (see link, below) and REEEEEEEEE-tweet it. Or just post somewhere that you liked this blog, and subscribe, and….
Or it’s fine if you do nothing at all. #Really. Just get some sleep.